An Effective Way To Respond When Your Child’s Behaving Badly.
A simple way to respond when your child’s behaving badly. Understand what’s happening and an approach to better behaviour in your child.
When I was dealing with my daughter’s rude, defiant or naughty behaviour, I believed that telling her off and imposing consequences for her actions would help change her unwanted behaviour.
I thought that by being firm and clear about what was unacceptable, she would learn to behave better.
But her behaviour only got worse, not better. Instead of improving, she became more aggressive and defiant.
I didn’t understand what was going on. Why was my child’s behaviour getting worse?
Why was my approach backfiring?
When my child was misbehaving, I found myself telling her off and correcting her behaviour, believing I was doing the right thing as a parent. I thought I was helping her learn and improve.
As parents, we often believe that telling our kids off is an essential part of teaching them right from wrong.
We think that by pointing out their mistakes and misbehaviour, they will learn to behave better in the future.
However, what we intend as a lesson is often perceived very differently by our children.
My child’s behaviour is getting worse
- When we tell our children off, there’s often a gap between our intentions and what our child actually hears.
- We might think we’re communicating, “That behaviour is not good,”
- But instead, children don’t differentiate between what they do and who they are.
When we tell our children off, they don’t differentiate between what they DO and WHO they are.
Instead of understanding that their behaviour IS unacceptable, they interpret it as THEY ARE unacceptable.
It makes them feel like they are not good enough, rather than just having made a mistake.
They don’t think “I did something bad,” but rather, “I am bad.”
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It’s a bit like if you were told off for making a mistake at work and you started to think, “I’m just not good.” instead of just “I made a mistake.”
This distinction is crucial because it leads to feelings of shame, a deeply painful emotion for anyone, especially a child.
My child’s behaviour is getting worse and escalating
Shame is an intense and often overwhelming feeling. It can make us feel awful inside – stomach churning, horrible and anxious.
When we feel shame, we naturally want to protect ourselves.
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That’s why when a child feels shame
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Their natural response might be to lash out.
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They might say hurtful things, throw objects, blame others…
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This is a way of shielding themselves from the overwhelming discomfort of shame.
This is not because they are inherently bad or mean, but because they are struggling to cope with the painful emotions they’re experiencing.
Why my child’s behaviour is getting worse
A Simple Way To Respond When Your Child’s Behaving Badly
They don’t have the words to express their feelings of shame and hurt, so their emotions come out in actions.
Some children express their emotions by crying, while others might react with aggression. Even though their responses are different, both are driven by the same emotional pain.
This can be confusing and frustrating for parents, who see their child’s reactions as further misbehaviour rather than a cry for help.
Most parents then respond with more telling off, adding more shame, and the cycle continues.
Why we tell our kids off
It comes from good intentions and the guidance most of us have received about how to encourage ‘good’ behaviour.
We’re all trying our best based on what we’ve been taught, but it’s easy to see how our efforts might not always land as we intended.
Telling off usually comes from our perception and judgments of our child’s behaviour. From a young age, we’re often taught to see behaviour in black-and-white terms: good or bad.
If a child is polite and does as their told, we label that as “good” behaviour. If a child is loud, tantruming, or disruptive, we label that as “bad” behaviour.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that “bad” behaviour needs to be corrected immediately, often through telling off or punishing.
This approach comes from a place of wanting to teach our children the difference between right and wrong. However, it also means that we quickly judge behaviours we don’t like, without fully understanding what’s driving them.
An example: A Simple Way To Respond When Your Child’s Behaving Badly
If a child is whining or throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, our first instinct might be to tell them off because it’s embarrassing or inconvenient.
We see the behaviour as bad because it’s disruptive. But what if the child is overtired, hungry, or overwhelmed with big emotions?
By focusing only on the surface behaviour, we miss the opportunity to understand and address the underlying needs or emotions.
This habit of judging behaviour leads to a cycle where the child feels misunderstood and responds with more challenging behaviour, making it even harder for us to connect and guide them effectively.
A Simple Way To Respond When Your Child’s Behaving Badly
When Your Child’s Behaviour is Getting Worse
We don’t need to tell our kids off to change their behaviour at all.
Crazy, right? But it’s true!
As parents, we’re all just trying to do our best with what we know. It’s easy to fall into the habit of telling off, especially when we feel frustrated and want the ‘bad’ behaviour to stop.
In Language of Listening, the coaching model I use and teach, we don’t tell off, punish, or reward behaviour. – and that doesn’t mean we’re permissive either!
Instead, we take a step back and try to understand why our child did what they did.
Imagine your child throws a toy across the room.Instead of jumping straight to “Don’t do that!” or “Go to your room!”, We first try to see the situation from their perspective. Maybe they threw the toy because they were feeling frustrated that their tower kept falling down. So, instead of telling off, start with understanding. “You’re frustrated, your tower won’t stay up. That’s so annoying.” This removes shame and opens up your child to your guidance. Next, we look for their best intentions. Maybe your child is actually trying really hard to build something but doesn’t yet have the skills to make it work. You might say, “You really wanted that tower to stand up tall, didn’t you? You’re trying hard.” Then, we guide and coach them to learn skills to manage their own behaviour. For example, you could say, “When you feel frustrated, instead of throwing your toys, you can ask for help or take a deep breath.” This way, they learn what to do next time they feel the same way. |
A Simple Way To Respond When Your Child’s Behaviour is Getting worse
Think about it from your own perspective
When you lose your cool and shout at your kids, you already know it’s not the best response.
You don’t need someone to tell you off for shouting; that would only make you feel more ashamed and misunderstood, wouldn’t it?
Instead, what would help you stop shouting is having someone recognise your best intentions, understand how hard it was in that moment, and acknowledge that you felt overwhelmed. When someone listens and understands you, it actually helps you manage your emotions better and respond more calmly.
The same principle applies to your child. When they feel understood and supported, rather than shamed or judged, they’re more likely to learn and grow from the experience.
It was a real eye-opener when I figured out that my daughter wasn’t just being rude or defiant; she needed understanding and support.
Once I started responding with more empathy and guidance instead of just more telling off, things started to turn around.
My daughter felt more understood, and her behaviour began to improve in a way I hadn’t expected.
When you respond in this way, your child learns to trust you and feels understood, which can lead to fewer outbursts and more cooperation.
Give it a try next time – you might be pleasantly surprised by how effective it is!
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“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
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