Whenever she tried to express herself, her mum would tell her she was being disrespectful and shut her down.
She quickly learned to keep everything bottled up. Now, as an adult, her mum wonders why she never shares anything. The truth is, she was taught not to.
An Effective Way To Improve Your Child’s Behaviour
It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to fix our kids’ outward behaviour without looking at the emotions and needs driving it.
We think, “If I just tell them to stop, they’ll calm down, and we can move on.” And sure, on the surface, it might seem like it’s working—the tears dry up, the yelling stops, and things get quiet again.
Related: An effective way to respond when your child is behaving badly
Here are two important things to think about:1. When we shut down the outward behaviour it only temporarily stops the behaviour, but the feelings and unmet needs driving it will keep coming back, often leading to even more intense or aggressive child behaviour. Without understanding the cause, we miss the chance to help our child learn to manage their emotions or behaviour in healthy ways. 2. When we shut down our kids’ emotions or needs, they learn that being honest isn’t safe with us. And in a way, we’re teaching them to lie to us, not with words, but with silence. As a result, we never really know what’s going on inside them because they stop sharing. |
Related: 7 Powerful Strategies to Transform Your Child’s Behaviour
A child’s need for our connection is so strong that they quickly learn what might disrupt it. They’d rather shut down their own emotions or needs just to stay connected and accepted by us. In their eyes, losing that connection is far worse than bottling up their feelings or needs.
A Surprisingly Easy Effective Way To Improve Your Child’s Behaviour
Instead of shutting them down, we can guide them through what they’re feeling and coach them to manage their emotions and behaviour in healthy ways.
First, we can’t change our child’s behaviour long-term without first figuring out what’s behind it.
-
Every behaviour is a response to an underlying emotion or an unmet need that the child is trying to communicate.
-
Of course, we need to address unwanted behaviour, but it’s tricky to find the right solution if we don’t understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
-
It’s like trying to fix a problem without knowing the cause.
How to improve your child’s behaviour
Want a simple, actionable plan that can start making a difference in just a few minutes a day?
The Language of Listening Collection, £15
Get immediate access to 3 eBooks with practical tools and step by step guidance to better behaviour and more joy at home
Page by page you’ll find easy and practical solutions to real life dilemmas faced by parents, just like you.
I keep thinking about how different that interaction could have been if the mum had approached her son with understanding.
Imagine if she had pulled him close and said: “No wonder you’re upset—it looks like you’re cold and sandy, and that’s uncomfortable. Let’s figure out a way to warm up and get that sand off.”
In that moment, the boy would have likely stopped whining—not because he was threatened with losing his ice cream, but because he felt understood and found a solution to his discomfort.
When we approach our kids with empathy and work together to solve problems, we’re not just calming them down—we’re actually giving them skills for life.
They start to feel supported and understood, which helps them handle their emotions in a healthier way. Plus, their behaviour changes for all the right reasons. They learn to manage their feelings constructively, not just to avoid punishment.
It’s a win-win for both them and us!
Are you tired of the never-ending battles with your child?
It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of telling off and power struggles, especially when your child’s defiance feels like it’s hitting every button. It can be exhausting to constantly navigate conflicts and try to get your child to listen, often leading to more frustration for both of you.
Feeling Stuck in the Same Old Patterns?
When your child’s behaviour feels out of control, it’s tempting to focus solely on the immediate issues—discipline, rules, and power struggles. But this approach can leave you feeling more disconnected and defeated. You want a way to break free from this cycle and start connecting with your child on a deeper level.
Here’s the Solution You’ve Been Looking For!
Imagine transforming those tough moments into opportunities for connection and understanding. What if you had a clear guide on the key things your child needs to hear to foster a more positive relationship?
Download Our Free Guide: “10 Things Your Defiant Child Needs to Hear From You (And Why They Matter)”
Feeling overwhelmed with parenting challenges? Get online parenting support now
I offer 1-2-1 coaching support to a more enjoyable, joyful family life.
You don’t have to go it alone! I’m here to help.
As a qualified, authorised child behaviour specialist and parenting coach, I provide personalised support and practical solutions to turn your parenting challenges into a calm, happy, peaceful home.
Parent coaching is like having a trusty guide on your parenting journey Let’s chat. You can schedule a complimentary, no-obligation call. You can do that by clicking right here.
What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
Ready to take the first step toward the family life you’ve been dreaming of?
