A Stubborn, Defiant Child? Try This Easy Way

Parenting a stubborn, defiant child is challenging to say the least.

I should know! My daughter would just refuse point blank to do as I asked. She’d scream and shout, and jump up and down and put up a fight. She wanted things her way.

Every day was a battle of wills. It was utterly exhausting, and however firm I held my limits nothing would make a blind bit of difference, she would constantly pushed my boundaries.

That was until I learnt to see what was really going on. And how to best support my daughter.

A super easy way to get a stubborn defiant child to listen and cooperate

Once you look behind the behaviour, things change pretty quickly.

As parents, we’re constantly trying to decode our children’s personalities, aren’t we? We see them being stubborn or dramatic, and we think we’ve got them all figured out. But what if there’s more to it than meets the eye?

When my daughter was little, I was convinced she was stubborn and defiant. It wasn’t until later that I realised these were just judgements, like calling someone lazy, greedy, stupid, or a drama queen. And as a parent, nothing scared us more than thinking our child has character flaw.

But here’s the reassuring part: these traits, like stubbornness, aren’t fixed or inherent—they’re ideas we create in our minds. They’re not something you can actually see; they’re subjective interpretations.

Did you know that being stubborn often means having a strong determination not to change one’s opinion or stance on something? It’s more about resilience and persistence than a permanent flaw in a person’s character.

When we let go of judgements what we actually see are STRENGTHs.

So, I prefer to think of stubborn child as a child who is insistent, persistent, persevering and knows what they want. And who doesn’t want THAT for their child?

These children rely on their inner guidance. In other words, these children cannot be coaxed or cajoled– they are inwardly motivated.

So, what can you do to support a stubborn defiant child? 

You start with using “Say What You See®” of course. The first step in the coaching model I use and teach.

SAY WHAT YOU SEE gets you out of your head into the moment, so you can see what actually is happening.

Let’s look at a typical situation

You’ve told your child to put on their shoes it’s time to go to the park, they look at you and refuse to move from the sofa.

SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) would sound like this:

SWYS: “You looked at me, and you are not moving from the sofa.”

Keeping a neutral and calm tone often encourages your stubborn child to respond.

Your child will give you more information. They might say “I don’t want to go to the park, I always have to go out. I want to stay at home.” 

What they are telling you is something that actually matters to them. So, if your child says she’s not going to the park, you can go further into SWYS here.

So, you could say, “You don’t want to go to outside today. I bet you wish you could make the decisions for once. You must feel like you’re always being told what to do. You want to stay at home, you’re a homebody!”

Can you feel the difference? You’re starting to step onto your child’s side right now. And when you do, you get to see your child’s experience.

Remember that acknowledging how your child sees something and how they feel about it is not the same as agreeing. It’s understanding why their wants makes sense to them.

When your child feels unheard, they feel like you’re dismissing their wants and needs.

So, in a nutshell, they think you are telling them how they feel is wrong and at a deeper level, that who they are is wrong.

Has your child ever told you that “You don’t listen!”

If they could articulate it, what they really mean is that they want you to validate what they want, they want to know that what they want matters to you, even if they can’t have it. This is crucial, because what we want and consider important is an expression of who we are.

The first Premise of Language of Listening® explains why:

Everything we do and say is a communication; and we must continue to communicate until we are heard.

And nothing speaks to a child more quickly than using Say What You See®. It transforms what often feels like a daily battle of wills, into one of connection and willing cooperation.

Related post:

• A powerful way to deal with a stubborn child!

Here’s the key to swap a stubborn defiant child into a cooperating one

 Say what the child wants before offering a CAN DO.

Say What You See® is the step of connection, validation and understanding, it’s what creates connection and opens the way for cooperation. Your child feels heard and is the primed to want to listen to you.

When you finish by pointing out your child’s STRENGTHs you connect your child to their inner guidance.

STRENGTHs“You found a way to make it work, you’re a problem-solver. You know exactly what you want to do when we get to the park, you even want to choose where we sit to have our picnic. You like making decisions.”

 Your child’s behaviour is guided by her STRENGTHs, (the ones you just pointed out to her) This is what impacts her future behaviour. So, when she sees herself in this way, she will go and show you all the other ways she has that strength.

So, next time that thought of “stubborn” pops into your head, pause a moment and remind yourself, “That’s my child showing me that they have not been heard yet.”

Ready for more and want to discover how Language of Listening can revolutionise your family dynamics and bring out the best in your kids?