Growing up I was told that if you let a child win, then they won’t want to lose. In fact I found it’s the complete opposite.
If you have a child who HAS to win, it’s driven by a NEED. These are real needs, getting your needs met is an innate drive for all humans. Check out my Language of Listening booklets where you’ll find how to spot the NEED behind your child’s behaviour.
Your child NEEDS to have the sense of being a winner. Your child needs to have the sense of capability, competence, and a strong belief in themselves… this is fundamental for your child.
By denying that need, what are you really doing? You’re just pushing you child somewhere else to get their need met, and this is when they cheat in games, elbow other children out the way to win in a race or fight with their siblings to be the best, or become a “perfectionist” to prove to themselves that only the best will do.
As parents, we don’t need to deny the NEED to win. We can find a space in their life for our child to reprogram that thought of ”I’m a loser” into on one of ”I am a winner”.
You don’t want your child to have a mentality of: “If I lose, it’s the proof I’m not good enough.” Or that they feel like they have to prove their self-worth. We want to alter that thought process.
Once I could understand why my daughter’s reacted the way she did to losing, it all made so much sense. I realised that I could help her get her need fulfilled. I started thinking where can I create the opportunity in my daughter’s life so she feels like a winner? How can I set up opportunities for my daughter to feel capable, competent, and a winner? Do you want practical step by step advice? Click here to read what you can do to turn your child into accepting defeat gracefully
When children get enough experiences to build up their sense of self as a winner, they don’t need to prove it by winning. Losing isn’t attached to their self-worth of “I’m a loser, I’m not good enough”.
When they prove to themselves that they are a winner, they automatically shift over and become generous. They can actually get excited if someone else wins, they can play fair and they can do all that because they no longer have to prove every second that there are a winner. – They know they are.
When you coach your child to fill their need in an appropriate way they can go out in the world and know who they are, they no longer have to fight for that. They know they are a winner regardless of the outcome. A person who feels powerful, a person who feels like a winner is a calm and generous person, they’re not out there to win over someone in order to feel good about themselves.
When you spend your time coaching your child to see themselves as a winner, you will naturally bring out their best and they will change their own behaviour to reflect that.