Why children cheat or are sore losers and how best can we support them?
Ever caught your kid cheating or throwing a fit when they lose? It happens, and our first instinct is often to intervene. But what if there’s more to it than meets the eye?
My daughter used to be quite the sore loser. Whenever she lost a game, she’d storm off or fling the game and its pieces across the room in frustration. It was a challenging behaviour to handle, and nothing seemed to make a difference until I dug deeper to uncover what was truly behind it.
When I finally understood why children cheat and are sore losers, it completely changed my perspective.
Why children cheat or are sore losers
Growing up I was told that if you let a child win, then they won’t want to lose. It comes from this idea that if you play easy and let them win, they get used to winning effortlessly, so when they finally face a loss, it hits them harder.
In fact I found it’s the complete opposite.
Here’s the thing: when a child feels the need to win all the time, it’s because they have a deep, fundamental need to feel capable and competent.
It’s not just about winning; it’s about feeling good about themselves.
Imagine if we ignore their need to feel capable and competent? What happens?
They might start cutting corners to win, like cheating in games or pushing others aside. Or they might become overly critical of themselves, thinking only perfection is good enough.
By denying that need to feel capable, we can unintentionally push children to cheat
You’re just pushing you child somewhere else to get their need met, and this is when they cheat in games, elbow other children out the way to win in a race or fight with their siblings to be the best, or become a “perfectionist” to prove to themselves that only the best will do.
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How best to support children when they cheat or are sore losers
As parents, we can find a space in their life for our child to reprogram that thought of ”I’m a loser” into on one of ”I am a winner.”
You don’t want your child to have a mentality of: “If I lose, it’s the proof I’m not good enough.” Or that they feel like they have to prove their self-worth. We want to alter that thought process.
Once I could understand why my daughter’s reacted the way she did to losing, it all made so much sense.
I realised that I could help her get her need fulfilled. I started thinking where can I create the opportunity in my daughter’s life so she feels like a winner? How can I set up opportunities for my daughter to feel capable, competent, and a winner?
Do you want practical step by step advice? Click here to read what you can do to turn your child into accepting defeat gracefully
When children get enough experiences to build up their sense of self as a winner, they don’t need to prove it by winning.
Losing isn’t attached to their self-worth of “I’m a loser, I’m not good enough.”
A unique way to respond when children cheat or are sore losers
When they prove to themselves that they are a winner, they automatically shift over and become generous.
They can actually get excited if someone else wins, they can play fair and they can do all that because they no longer have to prove every second that there are a winner. – They know they are.
When you coach your child to fill their need in an appropriate way they can go out in the world and know who they are, they no longer have to fight for that. They know they are a winner regardless of the outcome. A person who feels powerful, a person who feels like a winner is a calm and generous person, they’re not out there to win over someone in order to feel good about themselves.
When you spend your time coaching your child to see themselves as a winner, you will naturally bring out their best and they will change their own behaviour to reflect that.
Do you want practical step by step advice? Click here to read what you can do to turn your child into accepting defeat gracefully
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