“Why won’t my child listen unless I yell?” It’s a common question that so many parents have asked countless times.
When my kids were little, I remember my patience pushed to the limit.
My kids acted like they couldn’t hear me.
Over and over again I’d ask them to clean up their toys, come for a bath, put their shoes on, stop bickering…
My voice would get louder with each plea, and then, almost like clockwork, I’d hit my breaking point and end up yelling at them.
Instantly, the toys were put away, the bickering stopped…
But my guilt and frustration stayed.
Why won’t my child listen to me unless I shout?
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It’s a familiar scenario for many parents: you repeat yourself endlessly, but it seems like nothing gets through until you literally scream.
The stress builds, tempers flare, and suddenly, yelling feels like the only option left.
But why does it come to this, and more importantly, how can you break this cycle?
Let’s delve into the reasons behind this pattern and explore strategies to getting kids to listen without shouting at our kids.
Why won’t my child listen to me unless I shout?
Shouting at our kids quickly becomes a slippery slope that turns the whole house into a place of threats and bargaining.
It becomes exhausting just getting your kids to do anything without a battle.
I understand how draining and disheartening this can be, and you’re not alone in feeling this way.
So, what’s going on? Why won’t my child listen to me unless I shout? How can I break this habit and get my kids listen and behave?
It’s easy to get stuck in this cycle of shouting and not being listened to. Before long, we can start sounding like drill sergeants, barking orders just to get through the day.
Though tough to swallow, this realisation can be the first step towards breaking the cycle and creating a more positive and cooperative atmosphere at home.
Here’s an eye-opening thought: Research shows that the average young child hears over 20 commands every half hour.
Imagine being told what to do every minute of the day—that’s over 400 commands in a single day. No wonder both parents and children feel overwhelmed.
Take a moment to reflect on how often you find yourself asking your child to do something. How much of your interaction with them involves requests, corrections, nagging, or cajoling?
Why our kids don’t listen to us until we shout
It’s important to recognise that it’s not your child’s fault. We’ve unwittingly trained them to ignore us.
Think about the constant stream of demands and commands: “Come here… put your shoes on… get dressed… stop that! Don’t hit your brother… eat your dinner… get in the bath… get out of the bath.” It’s relentless.
Now, put yourself in your child’s shoes.
How would it feel to be besieged with demands and commands? It’s overwhelming. This constant nagging and being told what to do can push your child to frustration and cause them to tune you out.
As your child tunes you out, you find yourself having to repeat yourself just to be heard. They learn they have several opportunities to ignore you before they actually have to listen.
In their minds, it goes like this: “Okay, all’s good, I don’t have to move yet. She just started getting cranky… I’ve got time.”
Depending on your child’s nature, they may either shut down and tune you out, or if they’re more strong willed, they might think: “STOP telling me what to do!!!!” These children won’t be bossed around.
If you’ve got a child who just won’t listen, remember, you’re not alone. Family dynamics can be a whirlwind, making it tough to see what’s really going on.
That’s where I step in. I’m all about uncovering the why behind your child’s behaviour. I have a knack of pin pointing exactly what’s going on. No judgment, just understanding and support all the way.
Don’t wait for things to magically improve. Let me lend a hand in getting your child back on track, so you can enjoy a peaceful and joyful family life. Together, we’ll make a real difference. Book an no obligation call with me and see how I can support your family.
So, what happens next?
Your child’s behaviour can push you to feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and even to your breaking point.
And then… the shouting begins. It’s a cycle that’s incredibly taxing for both you and your child, leaving you both feeling drained and disconnected.
And it’s this cycle that teaches your child to ignore you till you shout.
Not to mention you’re teaching your child to shout back, fuelling a pattern of communication that breaks down your relationship.
When we find ourselves stuck in that cycle, we’re unknowingly pushing them into doing things out of fear, guilt, or stress.
And you know what? It stirs up this whole pot of resentment in them.
They start feeling like we’re just bossing them around instead of really listening. And then, guess what happens? They switch off, stop caring about what we’re saying, thinking we don’t give two hoots about what they want.
It’s like this never-ending loop that just leaves everyone feeling frustrated and disconnected.
So, how can you break the cycle?
When your child feels truly listened to and understood, they’re much more likely to want to listen to you.
Instead of getting caught up in the frustration of repeating yourself, let’s focus on something even more crucial: Connection.
It’s about pausing and taking a moment to really connect and see things from your child’s perspective first.
This step is often overlooked in parenting, and it’s totally understandable with our busy lives. But investing just a few extra minutes here can save a lot of time and tears later on.
Remember, just like all of us, your child is motivated by what they want. When you pay attention to their desires and help them find ways to achieve them within your boundaries, that’s when you start seeing real cooperation.
It’s about building a partnership based on understanding and respect.
The next two steps in Language of Listening are all about GUIDANCE.
When you notice something you don’t like, you offer a CAN DO.
Literally what your child CAN DO, within your boundaries. It encourages your child to listen willingly and helps them develop problem-solving skills.
And when you see something you do like, you offer a STRENGTH. (It’s all about praise in a new way!) Get hundreds of examples here.
STRENGTHs help your child recognise their own strengths and build confidence in their abilities.
These steps empower your child to regulate their own behaviour and actions. And let’s face it, isn’t that much simpler than constantly shouting at them throughout the day?
The beauty of Language of Listening® lies in achieving win – win for both you and your child. As a parent, you maintain the boundaries while supporting your child in achieving their desires within your boundaries.
Let me give you an example of how this would work.
| Let’s look at a common complaint from parents the world over: Getting your child’s shoes on and out the door in the morning. A universal problem – all ages…..all countries.
So, imagine your child is busy playing in their room. You’ve a few minutes till you’re walking out the door and their shoes are not on. You ask nicely once, “It’s time to put your shoes on.” And your child says ”No!” Rather than repeating yourself, pause a moment and step onto your child’s side. Say what your child is Doing, Saying, Feeling or Thinking. “You’re busy. You don’t want to leave yet, you’re not ready!” When you repeat back to your child what they said or what they want, they will naturally give you more information. They might say “I’m not done yet. I want to make sure my bears are all tucked up in bed.” |
We sometimes write these off as excuses, but that doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help your child
| What they are telling you is something that actually matters to them. And the more you acknowledge what matters to them, the more they will acknowledge what matters to you!
So, if when your child says she’s not done yet, you can go further into Say What I See® “You know just how you want your bears; how thoughtful you are.” Seeing what’s right with that allows you to validate your child’s wants and highlight her strengths, all while maintaining your boundary. |
Then you can pause and offer guidance
| Starting with the all-purpose CAN DO statement, it can sound like this:
“We need to leave to get to school on time, Hmmm, there must be something you can do.” And I bet your child’s eyes will brighten, as they step into problem solving mode. This is how you get willing cooperation. – kids who want to listen to you. You can stay connected and encourage your child to come up with all sorts of ways to get out the door on time. And what’s so great about this model is that whatever your child comes up with, whatever CAN DO she thought of, you get to name a STRENGTH. She came up with her own solution. You can say “You found a way to get your bears all comfy. You’re so thoughtful and kind, and you found a way to get your shoes on. What a problem-solver you are.” What a wonderful strength for your child to know about herself. |
This coaching model is like a template. Because what you see comes from the child. It’s always right for that moment. You can describe what you see and you’re off and running into your child’s world.
Finding solutions while maintaining your boundary.
No one is perfect, we are going to shout and get frustrated at our children from time to time. Start with just one attempt – you won’t suddenly stop shouting over night, but look out for the next opportunity to hold in the nag, and Say What You See® instead. The more you do, the more you’ll get the willing cooperation you’re after.
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What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
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