Sibling Fighting Bickering And Hitting And How To Stop It .
Oh My! This kind of behaviour is enough to make you go crazy. Don’t you sometimes wish you had a padded room you could just throw your kids in and let them sort it out?
Like so many parents, I bet you’re left wondering how on earth do I get the fighting to stop? I can’t stand it anymore.
How do I stop the fighting for good? Without shouting, threatening and punishments.
Imagine no more threatening to turn off the WiFi if they don’t stop bickering, and no more playing the referee for their every move.
The problem with our usual responses is that we focus solely on stopping the fighting. Unfortunately, this approach rarely leads to the lasting change we want for our family.
When my kids used to fight, I would often jump in and take sides. I’d label my daughter as the instigator, interpreting her behaviour as mean, and then I’d feel the need to rescue my son. I thought by telling her off, I could protect him and stop the conflict.
However, I soon realised this approach wasn’t working. Instead of resolving the issue, I found myself dealing with more fights and escalating tensions. My daughter felt misunderstood and unfairly judged, while my son didn’t learn how to handle conflicts on his own. It became clear that my attempts to intervene were only making things worse.
How our usual ways of stopping sibling fighting, bickering and hitting can backfire
This is when a child might start to feel constantly criticised, misunderstood, and powerless. Their defensiveness increases, making it harder for us to guide them effectively. We inadvertently push our child to come out fighting.
The quickest way to stop sibling fighting, bickering and hitting
Keep reading, because the step I’m about to share with you is often easily overlooked.
We’re usually so quick to jump in and fix the situation or tell our kids off. But this step packs a huge punch and really works.
It comes from the premise of Language of Listening®: kids keep communicating until they feel heard. If they don’t feel heard, they escalate their behaviour to show us and their sibling how right they are for feeling and wanting what they want.
Picture this: a child really wants to play with a toy, but their sibling keeps snatching it away. When the child tries to explain how they feel and gets brushed off, they might start yelling or grabbing the toy more aggressively. It’s like they’re saying, “Hey, I really need you to understand how important this is to me!” When they don’t feel heard, they feel like they have to shout louder or act more dramatically to get their message across.
So, it makes sense that the quickest way to stop the escalation in behaviour is to make sure your kids feel heard.
When we skip over truly listening and validating our children’s feelings or desires, we miss the opportunity to address the root of the problem. Instead, we often end up dealing with more intense outbursts and conflicts.
By taking the time to genuinely understand and acknowledge their emotions, we can defuse the situation and foster a more peaceful environment.
Let’s look at an example of how we can support our children to stop fighting
The quickest way to calm things down is to use Say What You See (SWYS). (It’s the first step in Language of Listening framework.)
SWYS gets your child heard and has the added bonus of you seeing the situation from your child’s point of view.
| It could sound like this:
SWYS: “You grabbed her book because you wanted to read it too. You’re frustrated because she never asks if you want to share, and you’re tired of waiting.” SWYS: “You yelled at your sister because she keeps teasing you about your homework. You’re annoyed she doesn’t take you seriously.” SWYS: “You hid his favourite toy because he broke yours last week. You’re upset because it feels like he never respects your things.” |
Then pause. Don’t go into fixing or finding solutions yet.
It’s your time to really listen and understand why a great child, like yours, would do that.
Why would hurting his brother make sense? Not to agree or condone the behaviour, but to get on your child’s side, so you can then guide them towards better choices.
Once your child feels heard and you see what’s behind their behaviour, you’re both in a great position to find solutions together.
By taking this approach, you’re not just addressing the surface issue of fighting but also building a deeper connection with your child. It shows them that you’re there to support them and help them navigate their emotions in a positive way.
How to stop sibling fighting, bickering and hitting for good
Only when your child feels truly heard and validated can you move to find solutions that work for you all.
The quickest way to stop sibling fighting is by giving them skills and CAN DO solutions to sort out their disagreements. When you empower your child to feel heard, you also empower them to find solutions that work for everyone involved.
By focusing on helping them develop these skills, you equip them with the tools they need to resolve conflicts independently and constructively.
This not only reduces fighting in the moment but also fosters a sense of empowerment and confidence in handling future disagreements.
| It could sound like this:
SWYS: “So, you want to be able to have time alone, you want him to stop bugging you. AND it looks like shouting and hurting him isn’t working.” CAN DO: “Must be something you can do!” Your child might say: “Well! I want to hurt him. He’s super annoying!” And again, you make your child ‘right.’ SWYS: “Of course you want to hurt him, hurting him makes you feel better in the moment. And it looks like it’s not getting your brother to leave you alone. It just leaves everyone upset and angry.” Now you can start looking for solutions. |
You might have to facilitate your child’s efforts to find solutions that work for everyone.
Perhaps your older child can have a special place to have alone time and keep his most prized toys away from his younger brother; maybe your older child dedicates a set amount of time to play with the younger brother. Only you and your family will know what works for you all.
When your child finds a solution, you can then point out the STRENGTHs
| STRENGTH:“You found a way to make it work.” Or “You figured out how to have your own space and find time to play with your brother, too. That shows you’re a problem solver.”
It’s so important to point out these strengths because it shows your child that they are capable of solving problems and making positive contributions to the family. When they see themselves as successful problem-solvers, it boosts their confidence and encourages them to continue using these skills in other situations. Plus, it reinforces the idea that they can achieve their goals while considering everyone’s needs. |
Recap, How to stop sibling fighting, bickering and hitting
So, instead of constantly trying to stop your kids from fighting, let’s take a moment to dig into WHY they’re at each other’s throats. Once we uncover what’s really driving their disagreements, we can find practical solutions (CAN DOs). This approach helps them learn to settle things on their own because they genuinely want to – and that means less stress for you.
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