Why My Child Gets Upset or Angry At Being Told Off. And what to do instead of telling off that works far better.
Ever told your child off and been met with anger, shouting, or tears? Why children get upset or angry at being told off isn’t just about behaviour. It’s about what’s going on underneath.
“Why’s My Child Upset or Angry At Being Told Off?”
The other evening, I was at a local park where our council had set up their annual outdoor movie night. Families gathered with beanbags, camping chairs, and picnic blankets under the stars — one of those rare, wholesome moments where everyone slows down together.
As the movie played, I noticed a little girl — maybe seven or eight — trying to get a clear view of the screen. She was polite, asking a man in front (perhaps her uncle) if he could move forward just a little so she could see. She asked calmly, respectfully.
But he didn’t move.
She tried again, a little firmer this time. I could see her frustration rising.
Then her mum appeared. Seeing only the end of the exchange, she quickly stepped in, pulled her daughter aside, and told her off.
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Why Do Children Get Upset or Angry At Being Told Off?
The mum at the movie night probably thought she was doing the right thing — teaching her daughter to behave, to be polite, to not make a scene.
And that’s what most of us think we’re doing when we tell our children off. We’re trying to teach right from wrong.
But often, what our child feels in that moment isn’t guidance — it’s judgement.
When we say things like:
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“How many times do I have to tell you?”
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“You’re making such a fuss over nothing.”
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“Why can’t you just do as you’re told?”
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“I’ve had enough of this attitude.”
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“You’re acting like a baby.”
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“You’re being so ungrateful right now.”
it lands like a personal attack.
Before we go on, take a moment for a quick exercise—picture yourself in this situation and notice what comes up.
Think about a time you lost your cool with your kids.
You were exhausted, overwhelmed, maybe running on no sleep — and you snapped.
You knew it wasn’t your best response, but it just came out.
Then imagine your partner or a friend walks in and starts telling you off:
- “You shouldn’t talk to them like that.”
- “You’re overreacting again.”
- “You always make such a big deal out of nothing.”
How would that feel?
Embarrassing? Defensive?
Would you want to explain yourself — or would you just shut down?
That’s what it’s like for a child when they’re told off without being understood first.
Their reaction — the shouting, tears, or storming off — isn’t defiance.
It’s a protest against being misunderstood.
What to Do Instead of Telling Off Your Child
Here’s the shift that changes everything: Before jumping in, take a pause. Get curious.
Ask yourself:
- “What might my child be trying to say or solve?”
- “What’s the full story here?”
Try this instead of a tell-off:
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Acknowledge what you see: “You really wanted him to move so you could see the screen.”
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Name the feeling: “You were trying to ask nicely and it didn’t work, and that felt unfair.”
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Guide from empathy: “Next time, let’s find another way to ask for help if someone doesn’t listen.”
This small shift — from judgement to curiosity — helps your child feel seen and teaches them how to handle tricky moments better.
Why This Works
When children feel understood, they can hear you.
When they feel judged, they shut down.
This isn’t permissive parenting — it’s coaching through connection.
That’s why I love the Language of Listening® framework. (The coaching model I use and teach) It gives you three simple, powerful tools that help you stay calm, connected, and confident, even in the hardest parenting moments.
It’s how we move from telling off to teaching through understanding — and that’s what truly shapes behaviour from the inside out.
Looking Back at the Movie Night
Later that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment in the park.
What if her mum had seen the whole story?
Would she have responded the same way if she’d realised her daughter had tried to problem-solve first?
Maybe she could have said something like, “You tried to fix this on your own — that’s really responsible of you!”
A simple acknowledgment that could have taught the child that speaking up and taking initiative matters.
In contrast, what might that little girl have learned from being told off in that moment?
- That speaking up doesn’t work?
- That adults don’t listen?
- That it’s safer to stay quiet?
When children get upset or angry at being told off, it’s the deeper pain of feeling misunderstood, as if no one truly notices or understands what they’re going through.
And that’s something every child — and every adult — longs for: to feel truly seen, heard, and understood.
Key Takeaway
When your child gets upset or angry at being told off, remember this: it’s not defiance.
It’s disconnection.
Take that pause. Get curious.
See the story behind the behaviour.
Because the more we listen, the more our children learn — not through fear, but through connection, trust, and understanding.
Want to learn it? You can get the full framework here.
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