How to Teach an ‘Ungrateful’ Child a Lesson.
Wondering what to do when your child seems ungrateful? You’re not alone.
During a recent online coaching session, a mum sat across from me on screen.
“I don’t get it,” she said. “I do so much for her, and all I get back is attitude, she’s so ungrateful.”
Then, after a pause: “Is it normal to feel this frustrated with your own child?”
She went on to tell me how she’d spent weeks planning her daughter’s 5th birthday—cake, entertainment, decorations, all the trimmings.
And at the end of it? Her daughter had thrown a tantrum because the party bags weren’t “as good” as her friend’s.
How to Teach an ‘Ungrateful’ Child a Lesson – Why Punishment Doesn’t Teach Gratitude
“She was so ungrateful,” the mum said, “and I just wanted to teach her a lesson.”
When a child reacts with what looks like ingratitude, many of us instinctively want to tell them off—to “teach them a lesson.”
It might quiet the behaviour in the short term, but it doesn’t help a child feel more grateful—it just teaches them to suppress their disappointment or hide their true feelings and desires.
What if I told you gratitude isn’t something you have to teach children—it’s already in them?
They’re born with it.
What Gratitude Actually Looks Like in Children
You’ve likely seen it—those moments when they light up because you remembered their favourite snack, when they wrap their arms around you for a big hug or when they carefully hand you a picture they made “just for you.”
So when a child seems ungrateful, it’s not that the gratitude is missing—it’s that something else got in the way.
- Maybe it was disappointment.
- Maybe overwhelm.
- Maybe a rigid picture in their mind of how things were “supposed” to go.
And that’s exactly what happened for the little girl whose story we started with…
All week, her friends had been talking about the party bags from Gina’s party. She had imagined hers would be just like that—filled with the glittery surprises of the latest slime trend. She’d built a picture in her mind of how things should be.
But when she opened the bags and it didn’t match her expectation, she wasn’t ungrateful—she was stuck. Caught in a wave of disappointment.
And like so many children, she expressed that feeling the only way she knew how—loudly, emotionally, and in the moment.
She wasn’t trying to hurt her mum. She wasn’t ungrateful. She was reacting to a situation that hadn’t gone the way she imagined.
How to Teach an ‘Ungrateful’ Child a Lesson – And that’s our opportunity—not to shut it down, but to step in and coach.
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It might sound like: “Hmm… you were expecting something different.” Her daughter took a breath. “I just really wanted slime.” Her mum nodded. “Ahh, you were really hoping for slime, like Gina had—that makes sense now. And at the same time, I spent a lot of time choosing those party bags and was really hoping you’d like them” There was a pause. Then her daughter added quietly, “I’m sorry I shouted… I did like the party bags . And the party was really fun.” And just like that, the energy shifted. Her mum didn’t demand an apology—she created the conditions for one to emerge. That’s what happens when we coach instead of correct. The child feels safe enough to reflect, reconnect, and respond with genuine care. That simple shift—away from blame and towards understanding—turned a power struggle into a moment of growth. Notice: no blaming. No guilt-tripping. Just two truths, side by side.
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Children don’t learn gratitude through guilt.
When we see what looks like ingratitude—like a child throwing a tantrum over a party bag or snapping when things don’t go their way—that’s the kind of behaviour we don’t like. That doesn’t mean we ignore it or just let it slide. Of course, we don’t want our child reacting like that!
What’s really happening is a skill gap.
Our child needs guidance to develop self-control and find better ways to handle these moments. It’s not about fixing a character flaw but about helping them grow.
That mum didn’t punish her daughter. During our call, I helped her shift her perspective. Seeing the situation differently unlocked new ways to respond—ways that truly support her daughter instead of just controlling her behaviour.
Coaching is about this: Guiding children to bring out their best and build the skills they need to manage their behaviour more effectively.
Here’s something you can try next time your child seems“ungrateful”: One Powerful Question to Shift the Moment.
Pause. And ask them gently,
“What were you hoping for?”
This simple question opens up a whole new conversation because it shows you’re trying to see the situation from their point of view and helps you both understand what’s really going on beneath the surface.
From there, you can gently guide and coach your child towards the behaviour you want to see—helping them build the skills to manage their behaviour more effectively next time.
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How to Teach an ‘Ungrateful’ Child a Lesson And Feel Like Nothing’s Working With Your Child?
Let’s Change That Together.
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“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
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