Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work—Even If You Follow Through
Why threats and consequences don’t work is a question many parents ask.
In this blog, we’ll explore why these methods fail and what you can do instead to create lasting positive change.
Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work—Even If You Follow Through
Consequences for kids
The kind of consequences I’m talking about here are really just disguised punishments—if you do this/don’t do this… something bad will happen.
It comes from the belief that kids need consequences to learn and behave better. (They don’t!)
Of course, there are real consequences for actions—like:
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If I forget my raincoat, I get wet.
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If I don’t water my plants, they start to wilt.
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Or if I stay up too late, I’m tired the next day.
But most of the consequences we use with our kids are man-made.
A common belief is that we’re preparing them for the “real world,” thinking their boss won’t take excuses or that getting speeding tickets teaches responsibility.
But this mindset misses an important point: our relationship with our children is not the same as the one we have with a boss or authority figure.
Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work—Even If You Follow Through
A big Reason Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work
The relationship we have with authority figures, like the police or an employer, is transactional—focused on rules, compliance, and consequences.
It’s about following guidelines and facing penalties for mistakes.
But with our children or loved ones, the relationship should be relational, built on trust, guidance, understanding, and connection.
In a healthy relationship, we don’t enforce rules or dish out consequences; we engage with empathy, teach important life skills, and nurture our relationship.
Transactional Relationship: e.g. employer-employee, police-citizen. – Focuses on rules, compliance, and consequences. It’s about exchanging actions for rewards or punishments, often with a one-sided power dynamicRelational Relationship: e.g. parent-child, close loved ones. – Rooted in trust, empathy, and connection, these relationships are rewarding and reciprocal, with a natural give and take. They feel safe and focus on seeing the best in each other.In the parent/child dynamic, it’s about guiding and coaching while focusing on long-term connection and cooperation. |
Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work—Even If You Follow Through
Typical Threats and Consequences In Action
Let’s imagine this scenario: Your child is speaking in a rude tone, or refusing to say sorry after a fight with their sibling. Frustrated, you issue a threat: “If you keep this up, no play date tomorrow!”
And this time, you follow through. The play date is cancelled, your child is in tears, and the rest of the evening is a mess of power struggles and hurt feelings.
You’re both miserable.
But here’s the question: Did anyone actually learn anything?
You might think that missing out on the playdate will “teach her a lesson” and motivate her to behave better next time. Or perhaps you’ve been told that you must follow through on threats, or your child “won’t take you seriously.”
But none of that is true.
Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work—Even If You Follow Through.
Because Following Through Doesn’t Fix the Problem
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Whether or not you carry out the threat or give a consequence, the end result is often the same—it doesn’t teach your child the skills they need to manage their behaviour differently next time. Let’s break it down:
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Think About How Consequences Work
To think about how consequences work, I like to put myself in my child’s shoes.
Imagine you’re trying to stop shouting at your kids. You know you want to, but in the heat of the moment, it’s so hard. Does that make you a bad parent? Of course not—you’re human! we all act in ways we later regret.
Maybe you shouted because you’re at your wit’s end, no one has shown you how stop shouting or even explained why you lose your cool in the first place.
Now, picture someone saying, “If you shout again, no night out with the girls on Friday!” Or, “No Netflix for a week!” Would that help you stop shouting?
It sounds ridiculous, right?
Consequences don’t teach skills. They just pile on stress, making change even harder.
Why Threats and Consequences Don’t Work – What’s Really Missing?
The core issue is that threats—whether carried out or not—don’t address the underlying need for skills that actually change behaviour long term and get us the behaviour we want from our kids.
Skills like:
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Emotional regulation
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Communication skills
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Conflict resolution…
Let’s go back to the scenario:
Cancelling the play date doesn’t help them navigate these challenges any better next time, and that’s why we often deal with the same behaviours day after day. |
A More Effective Approach: Using Language of Listening®
The shift starts with changing how we see behaviour. The coaching tools from Language of Listening provide simple, actionable steps to help you do just that.
In Language of Listening, we believe that all humans—children included—want to do the ‘right’ thing. We naturally want to cooperate, get along, and behave well. It’s not about needing motivation; when our needs are met and we have the skills to handle situations, we naturally choose to.
Consequences, on the other hand, operate on the assumption that kids need to be motivated to behave, which often misses the mark entirely.
Imagine this instead:
Your child lashes out at their sibling, and you’re ready to issue that all-too-familiar consequence. But instead, you pause and try something new.
You crouch down and say: “Wow, to speak like that you must feel pretty upset.”
At first, your child hesitates, but then the words start pouring out: “They took my toy, they always do that, and it’s not fair!”
Now, you could say, “There’s no excuse for that behaviour, they need to learn it’s unacceptable to hit others.” but the truth is, it happened. Instead of thinking it’s an excuses, think of it as a reason.
Once you understand the reasons, you understand why it happened, you can then guide your child to find true solutions and build skills. The Language of Listening tools help you do just that.
In that moment, you’re not just managing their behaviour—you’re coaching them on life skills: how to express frustration without hurting others, how to communicate what they want or need calmly, how to get along with others…
All skills your child needs to be able to navigate that situation next time.
The Takeaway
Threats and consequences don’t teach kids how to handle big emotions or social dynamics. But when we see behaviour as a clue rather than a problem, we can guide them toward understanding and managing their own behaviour.
By becoming a life coach for our kids, we help them build the tools they need to navigate life’s challenges—not out of fear of losing something they love, but because they believe in their own ability to make good choices.
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