What to do when your child is disrespectful.
Struggling with your child’s disrespectful behaviour and feeling overwhelmed?
You’re not alone—it can be so frustrating!
Discover the surprising key to transforming your child’s behaviour and creating more peace at home.
Read on to find out how!
One of my clients recently opened up about feeling completely disrespected by her five-year-old son. It hit a nerve.
Here’s what she shared with me:
“I’m so angry at my son lately. It feels like he’s disrespecting me constantly. The way he speaks, that tone of voice—ugh, it triggers me. I wish I could stay calm, but I’m always losing it. Nothing I do seems to make him respect me.”
Now, this is a big one—and we can’t unpack it all in one blog post—but there’s something really important I need to share with you.
Here’s the thing…
Other people—whether it’s your child, your partner, anyone—are NEVER the actual cause of your feelings and reactions. EVER.
Our reactions come from our thoughts, which then trigger our emotions.
Let me explain:
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It’s the meaning we give to someone else’s words or actions that causes our feelings.
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We tend to think our thoughts are just facts, but they’re not.
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Thoughts are just that—THOUGHTS.
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And a belief? That’s simply a thought you’ve been playing on repeat.
Now, here’s something most of us weren’t taught: We can question our thoughts.
When your child is disrespectful.
Take the idea of respect, for example.
Feeling disrespected isn’t an actual feeling—it’s a thought.
No one can MAKE you feel disrespected.
Sure, you might not like someone’s behaviour, and you don’t have to. But the feeling of disrespect? That comes from the meaning you’ve attached to that behaviour.
What to do when your child is disrespectful.
In this mum’s case, she didn’t like the way her son spoke to her and made it mean he was disrespecting her.
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That triggered her anger and frustration.
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It felt very real to her because she has a belief that her son’s tone equals disrespect.
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And, boom, that belief triggered her emotions,
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Which led to her reaction.
(and to be clear, this doesn’t mean ignoring or accepting behaviour you don’t like—it’s about understanding what’s really going on).
And here’s where we run into trouble.
When we decide our child is being disrespectful because they’re using a tone we don’t like, we’re setting ourselves up for a world of frustration.
Why?
Because it’s all about the meaning we’re giving to that tone.
This mum could’ve made it mean any number of things.
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Maybe he’s being sassy, rude, or annoying.
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But equally, she could’ve decided that his tone meant he was feeling unheard, frustrated, or misunderstood.
See?
Feeling disrespected is all in the meaning we create.
We do this funny thing as humans.When we’re faced with something we don’t like, we often project onto the other person. We make their behaviour mean something about them—or worse, something about us. Then we focus on fixing, controlling, or bribing them to change, when actually, the meaning we’ve attached isn’t even real. |
In Language of Listening®, (The coaching model I use and teach) we flip the script. We learn how to observe what’s really happening, step into our child’s world, and suddenly, the behaviour starts to make sense (even if we still don’t like it!).
Try this when your child is disrespectful
And here’s the magic—you start getting more of the behaviour you do like.
A great starting point? Ask yourself this: “Why would my great kid be acting this way?”
For this mum, instead of focusing on trying to make her son “respect” her (which he already does!), she could ask herself why he feels the need to use that tone.
Related: My Child Has Bad Attitude. A Startling Truth That Could Actually Make It Worse
My Child Listen To Me Unless I Shout? The Reasons Why And What To Do About It.
What’s really going on for him?
After some reflection and using the coaching skills she’d learned working with me, she realised her son got easily frustrated and lacked the skills to communicate calmly when things didn’t go to plan.
That tone?
It wasn’t disrespect at all.
With these insights, she was able to coach her son through those tough moments. She helped him understand his own frustrations and gave him tools to communicate clearly, without resorting to the tone that set off their cycle.
At the same time, she worked on her own responses—when she learned a new way to respond, he felt heard and connected, which decreased his defensiveness.
And the result?
Less defensiveness, more connection, and a much calmer home.
It’s a win-win: her son feels empowered to communicate better, and she feels far less triggered by his tone.
That’s the power of shifting your perspective and coaching your child to manage their own behaviour!
At your wit’s end with your child’s behaviour and looking for something that really works? Want a simple, actionable plan that can start making a difference in just a few minutes a day?
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What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
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