Surprisingly easy way when dealing with child behaviour problems. Often unknowingly, with the best intentions, we can make things harder for ourselves and our children.
Keeping reading… I have the answers!
Imagine this: you’ve been feeling awful—bad stomach, headache, just generally unwell. You have no idea what’s causing it, but you think you do.
Maybe you blame stress, that dodgy takeaway, or the fact that you’ve been sleeping badly. So, you cut out the things you think are making you sick.
You meditate, eat clean, go to bed early… but nothing works. In fact, you’re feeling worse!
And then well-meaning friends and family start weighing in.
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”Oh, it’s probably dairy!”
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“No, no, you need probiotics!”
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“There’s a lot going around, you just need to wait it out.”
So, you try their advice. Still, nothing works.
Turns out, you’re allergic to garlic.
And you’ve been eating it ever. Single. Day.
No wonder you’re not getting better.
Dealing With Child Behaviour Problems?
We think the problem is:
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“My child is misbehaving because I don’t punish them enough,”
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Or “My child needs consequences for ‘bad’ behaviour.”
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Or “I need to remind my child who’s in charge.” thinking it keeps respect in check.
Well-meaning friends and people online chime in— “Maybe he’s neurodivergent?” or “It’s just a phase! He’ll grow out of it!”
So, we tighten the rules—harsher consequences, more time-outs. Or we go down the path of getting an assessment, hoping for answers. And to be clear—I’m not against assessments. Many families spend years and thousands of pounds trying to get a diagnosis, and for some, it’s life-changing.
But even with a diagnosis, you still have to live with the behaviour. A label doesn’t ‘fix’ the daily struggles. And if we’re not careful, we can spend years searching for answers instead of addressing what’s happening right now.
It’s just like chasing the wrong diagnoses for the garlic allergy.
And that’s why the ‘bad’ behaviour doesn’t stop. In fact, just like with the garlic, it often gets worse.
Why? Because We Don’t Address The Actual Cause of Child Behaviour Problems
So many of us resort to punishments to change behaviour.
If punishment doesn’t work, why do so many of us default to it? Because:
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We might not know what else to do, and why would we if no-one has shown us another way?!
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It’s what we were taught.
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Society tells us that “bad” behaviour needs consequences.
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We’re desperate for something—anything—that will make the behaviour stop.
Related: Why threats and consequences don’t work, even if you follow through.
The Real Reason Behind Unwanted Behaviour.
Kids don’t misbehave for fun. All behaviour—yes, even the really frustrating, hair-pulling kind—is driven by two things:
So, why would giving them punishments and consequences that cause more disconnection and powerlessness help? It won’t. It’s like trying to put out a fire with petrol
If our kids lack these skills, then no amount of punishment will teach them what they need to know. Punishment doesn’t fix either of these things. It just makes kids feel worse. And when kids feel worse, they behave worse. It’s a vicious cycle. |
So, What Can You Do Instead? An Easy Way When Dealing With Child Behaviour Problems
This is where the Language of Listening® framework comes in. Instead of focusing on punishing behaviour, it helps you figure out why it’s happening in the first place. And once you know that, you can address the actual cause—just like stopping eating garlic instead of chasing random solutions.
The framework is built on three simple principles:
Say What You See – Describe what’s happening without judgement. This helps you understand what’s really going on.
Give a Can-Do – Offer an acceptable way for them to meet their need or practice the skill they’re lacking.
Point out a Strength – Point out a positive quality in your child that can help them handle the situation better.
For example:
Instead of “Stop screaming or you’ll get a time-out!”
Say What You See®
You’re SO MAD you can’t have it! You’re hitting me! You just want to hit something, and I’m not for hitting. Must be something you CAN DO to get your anger out without hurting anyone or anything!
POSSIBLE CAN DOs:
Hit this pillow, then we can find something you CAN have.
Stomp like a dinosaur and roar.
Go to your room and see if you can find something to help you calm down there.
Show me how mad you are by drawing it on this paper!
POSSIBLE STRENGTHs to point out once your child has found a solution.
Expressive
Flexible
Found a way to get the mad out without hurting anyone/thing
Know how to calm yourself down
Know what you WANT/NEED
It sounds simple, but when you start focusing on needs and skills instead of punishment, behaviour changes—sometimes almost overnight.
Just like how cutting out garlic solves the stomach problems instantly.
And now you know: it’s not about punishment. It’s about coaching.
So, next time your child is acting out, don’t reach for the punishment toolbox. Instead, ask yourself: What need isn’t being met? What skill do they need to learn? Because when you focus on those, real change happens.
Just like when you finally stop eating garlic.
Check out the amazing results that come from focusing on the right things to change behaviour.
This is the transformation parents of two boys experienced after working with me…
Camilla has been amazing! She has helped us understand and reframe how we support our children with their behaviour and emotions, and communicate more clearly and effectively.
Our lives were being ruled by our eldest child and we were stuck in a vicious cycle of shouting, meltdowns and total disharmony!
But having worked with Camilla, we’ve now got a whole bag of strategies to keep our cool and to manage situations without resorting to shouting, bribery or persuasion!
Our home life is now calmer, our communication more purposeful and the relationship with our boys is better than ever! I’d definitely recommend Camilla and the Language of Listening!
Like what you’re reading?
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What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
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