Stop With The threats – 7 Reasons Threats Don’t Work and What to Do Instead.
Learn how to get your kids willingly cooperating and handle challenges without threats.
I get it—parenting is tough! Some days, it feels like you’re just trying to survive till bedtime.
It’s so tempting to resort to threats. They’re quick, they seem effective in the moment, and they just roll off the tongue. But is it okay for a parent to threaten their child? 7 reasons threats don’t work and what to do instead.
Here’s the thing: the positive results we get from threats are usually pretty short-lived.
Those knee-jerk reactions can actually backfire in the long run, making parenting way more stressful than it has to be.
Keep reading…
You’ll uncover how threats shape your child’s behaviour, explore better ways to handle challenging moments, and understand how threats can strain your relationship with your child.
Dive into practical tips and insights that lead to greater cooperation and a happier home environment!
7 reasons threats don’t work
The best way to stop using threats in parenting is to understand how it feels to be on the receiving end. When we put ourselves in our children’s shoes, we realise that threats create fear and resentment, not cooperation and trust.
Imagine this:
You’ve just got home from a long day at work. You sit down with a drink and your favourite TV show, ready to relax and suddenly]the phone rings. It’s your best friend, crying and needing your help.
What would you do?
Chances are, you’d put down the drink, turn off the TV, and go help your friend.
Why? Because you care about them. They make you feel good, they understand you, and they want the best for you. Friends help each other out because they genuinely care.
7 reasons threats don’t work
Now, here’s the important part:
When your friend asks for help, you want to help because you care about their happiness. No one is forcing you or threatening you; your decision to help is totally voluntary.
Now, let’s flip the script. Imagine you’re in a parallel universe.
You come home, sit down with your drink and TV show, and the phone rings. It’s your best friend, crying again. But this time, they say if you don’t help them, you won’t be invited to their party this weekend, and tell you you’re a bad person if you don’t help them.
See the difference in the way you respond?
When threats are involved, the motivation changes completely. It’s no longer about caring and wanting to help—it’s about avoiding negative consequences.
And that’s not how genuine relationships should work. Including the ones we have with our children.
How would you feel being threatened by your friend? What would you do?
I reckon you’d feel pretty annoyed, maybe a bit resentful, but definitely ready to tell your friend to take a hike.
And guess what? Our kids react just like we do.
When we feel resentful and controlled, it’s no surprise we’re less likely to cooperate.
What tends to happen is that we’ve been taught to view our child’s lack of cooperation as rude or defiant. When in fact, their behaviour stems from a normal human reaction to being threatened.
We have to ask ourselves—lovingly, of course—if we are the ones who start this cycle.
I know it might be hard to believe right now if you’re accustomed to using threats to get your kids to listen. But trust me, when you ditch the threats, you’ll experience willing cooperation, more happiness, and joy at home.
We can’t do what we don’t know.
If you’re using threats and can’t see a way out, know you’re not alone. There’s no shame in not knowing another. if your parents always used threats to get you to behave, it’s no surprise you might find it tough to imagine a different way to guide your own kids. No one ever showed you another—it’s okay to seek new ways to guide your kids with love and respect.
7 reasons threats don’t work and what to do instead
| Here are some common examples of threats use and why. |
We often resort to these threats in an attempt to quickly control our child’s behaviour. |
Sound familiar?
Of course threats sound familiar! We’ve been taught that we need to control our kids to make them behave and listen.
But that simply isn’t true. There is a far more effective way.
When I share Language of Listening® approach (the coaching model I use and teach) with my clients, they often say, “Why did no one tell me this before? I’m getting willing cooperation—kids who actually want to listen to me and I’ve a more peaceful home.” Imagine that!
The best reason to adopt better tools is to understand why those we currently use aren’t truly effective.
7 reasons threats don’t work
In fact, threats affect our child’s behaviour negatively and they make our parenting that much harder.
It’s easy to threaten a toddler or a tween, but wait till they get to teenagers. Then what?
As they grow, children become more independent and resistant to threats. That’s why it’s far more effective to learn new ways of parenting when your child is young, setting a foundation of respect and cooperation that will last through their teenage years and beyond.
Let’s consider 7 reasons threats don’t work
1. Threats erode our relationship
| Our influence stems from the strength of our relationship.
We do things for others because it brings us joy and we naturally want to cooperate with them. While it may be hard to believe at times, our kids also want to cooperate with us. Yet, when we use threats to control their behaviour, it harms our relationship and suppresses their natural inclination to want to cooperate. |
2. Threats make our kids resent us
| Resentment often springs from feeling like things aren’t fair or when we repeatedly feel ignored or misunderstood.
In parenting, kids start resenting us when they feel controlled and manipulated. This can really strain the trust and bond between us and our child. |
3. Threats promote a tit-for-tat mentality
| Threats are all about trading compliance for avoiding trouble or gaining a reward. This tit-for-tat approach teaches kids to manipulate others to get what they want, rather than understanding and respecting boundaries.
We know this method doesn’t work because we dislike it when our kids use threats to get us to comply. Instead of fostering genuine responsibility and empathy, it creates a cycle of manipulation and transactional relationships. |
4. Threats teach our kids to think ‘What’s in it for me?’
| When we resort to threats, it sparks a ‘what’s in it for me’ mindset because kids learn to behave based on what they will receive in return, rather than understanding the inherent value of their actions.
This approach can undermine their ability to develop genuine empathy and personal responsibility, as they become accustomed to doing things to avoid the threat or gain a reward. |
7 reasons threats don’t work don’t work in the way we think they do
This is a good opportunity to use an example to best illustrate why threats don’t work
One way we use threats in our daily interactions with our kids
A mother waits at the school gates with her energetic toddler son. He’s happily running around the path, exploring his surroundings. The mother, with a loving concern for her son’s safety, wants him to stay close by her side.
“Come here right now! or no T.V later.” She threatened.
Yes, the threat might have got short term compliance. But at what cost?
It’s likely the boy learnt that complying with his mother’s immediate demand (coming to her right away) is tied to a specific reward (watching TV later).
This teaches him that his actions should be motivated by the promise of rewards or the fear of losing privileges rather than understanding the importance of staying close to his mother. We also don’t take into account that a young child is impulsive, lacks self-control and needs our support to be able to stay close.
It may lead him to view compliance as a transaction rather than an opportunity to learn about boundaries and safety.
7 Reasons Threats Don’t Work and what to do instead
Let’s rewind to the scene:
A mother waits at the school gates with her energetic toddler son. And this time, she responds with:
“It’s fun to run around the path, and right now I want you to stay close to me,” she calmly says to her son.
In this scenario, the mother empathises with her son’s enjoyment of running around while also prioritising his safety. Her calm approach not only sets a clear boundary but also fosters a nurturing environment where her son can understand the importance of staying close. This respectful communication helps build trust and cooperation between them, without the need for threats or coercion.
Now, she may not get willing cooperation the first time; the mother might have to support her son to stay close, patiently guiding him and reinforcing the boundary. This process allows her son to learn gradually about staying nearby and develops a sense of safety and trust in their interactions.
5. Threats teach unhealthy relationship patterns
| The relationship we have with our children sets the standard for how they understand healthy relationships. We don’t want our children to grow up thinking it’s okay for friends or future partners to threaten them.
We want them to see the use of threats as a red flag in relationships and reject unhealthy communication and control tactics from others. This empowers them to seek relationships with people who treat them with respect and kindness, laying the foundation for positive interactions throughout their lives. |
6. Threats kill motivation
| Encouraging our child’s real motivation is crucial because it keeps them curious and eager to learn and grow.
When kids are motivated from within—when they’re genuinely interested and proud of what they’re doing. But when we rely on threats, it shifts their focus to avoiding consequences, which can kill their excitement and make them less likely to cooperate willingly. This can strain our relationship and lead to more resistance instead of understanding. When we nurture their inner drive, we help them make choices based on what matters to them, setting the stage for stronger connections and personal growth. |
7. Threats kill Empathy
| Using threats often leaves our children feeling misunderstood and frustrated, missing a chance to teach empathy.
Empathy is a learned skill critical for understanding others’ feelings. Children who don’t experience empathy early on may struggle to show it as adults. It’s vital to consistently show efforts to understand our children better, helping them learn to consider others’ emotions. Acknowledging their needs isn’t the same as agreement. Empathy means recognizing and validating our child’s need to feel heard and understood. |
Threats change our relationship with our child
Look at how easy it is for us to go straight in with a threat if our child does not comply right away:
I overheard a mother at the local pool with her 7-year-old daughter. The little girl had just finished swimming and was warming up under the poolside shower. After only a few minutes, her mum asked her to get out with an immediate threat.
“Get out now, everyone is waiting. Get out now or I won’t bring you next time.”
The mother’s use of a threat may have come from the best of intentions. Maybe she didn’t want to keep others waiting or had a busy evening ahead.
Still, this approach inadvertently sent the message that she didn’t trust her daughter to do the right thing on her own. So, the daughter might feel a bit undermined or doubted. Plus, even though the mum meant well, it could lead to some unintended consequences in their relationship.
Benefit of not using treats
Imagine how much better it could have been for both mother and child if she had said something like this instead:
“Ooh! That shower looks warm. It must have been chilly in the pool. You did amazing off the diving board! Wow, that was high! Let’s hurry up now because everyone’s waiting. Here’s your towel, and I’ll help you get dressed quickly.”
By showing empathy first and connecting with her daughter, she could have motivated the child to make the right choice and continue their happy day.
How to stop threatening and get your child to listen and cooperate
Being aware of when threats pop out easily is key, it’s like hitting pause and thinking, “Wait, what’s the long-term here?”
When we focus on more than just getting our way right now, we open doors to better ways of parenting.
We end up with kids who cooperate because they want to, not just because they have to.
Plus, we get to coach them on stuff like problem-solving and empathy, which are skills that’ll serve them well in life. It’s all about setting them up for success in how they relate to others and handle challenges down the road.
I needed my daughter to get dressed for school, however, she was deeply engrossed in playing with her toys. Instead of resorting to threats or commands, I tried a different approach, using the Language of Listening way.
Look for win -win solutions
I joined her in her play for a minute, showing interest in what she was doing and gently reminded her about the time. Then, I asked her, “There must be something you can do to play and get ready?” She thought for a moment and came up with a plan: “I know!” she said. “I’ll take my bear to brush her teeth too!”
I pointed out how she found a solution and that she found a way to play and get ready.
If you’re reading this story and thinking “No way would my child cooperate so easily!” Know that you’re not alone. It’s not always this smooth.
There’s many skills your child needs in order to cooperate easily. Too many to discuss in one blog post. But starting with empathy and avoiding threats definitely leads to more cooperation.
What happens when we stop using threats?
When your child is more likely to respond positively to your requests when aren’t they anticipating a threat.
Cultivating a positive relationship with your child is an ongoing process. Opting for empathy over coercion not only imparts valuable life lessons but also lays the groundwork for trust and mutual respect and willing cooperation.
SO, now you know the 7 reasons threats don’t work, will you find easier to stop threats?
I find that understanding why what we do might not be so helpful is what motivates me to make lasting change in my parenting.
And to find lasting change, we need to replace what we currently do with tools that work. there’s no point wishing for things to change, without practicing what else to do… cause we still got to get the kids to listen and behave. right?!
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