If your child suddenly goes from calm to shouting, hitting, or completely losing their cool, it can leave you feeling confused, exhausted, and wondering what on earth just happened.
These moments often look like misbehaviour — but something much deeper is going on.
In this post, you’ll find a unique way to stop hitting and aggressive behaviour in children, we’re going to unpack what really drives these big reactions, why they intensify so quickly, and the surprising piece of the puzzle most parents never get told.
Once you see it, your child’s behaviour will finally start to make sense and you’ll stop hitting and aggressive behaviour in children.
This Will Change How You See Your Child’s Behaviour
Let me tell you a story.
A mum came to me recently, completely worn out. Her eight-year-old son had hit her that morning.
She had been following all the advice from teachers, parenting books, and well-meaning family and friends.
“Stand firm. Don’t let him get away with it.”
“Take away his screen time. Give consequences. Put up a sticker chart.”
So she did. Screens gone. Toys removed. Playdates cancelled. Bedtime moved earlier.
And yet… the behaviour got worse.
He:
- Hit more often.
- Shouted.
- Pushed and threw things.
She felt more exhausted, more heartbroken, more powerless.
So why does this happen?
Why does “stand firm, give consequences, sticker charts.” often make behaviour worse instead of better?
Why Traditional Parenting Advice Often Fails
Most advice focuses on changing the child’s behaviour: stop the hitting, control the shouting, suppress the tantrums.
But behaviour is a symptom, not the cause.
We rarely stop to ask:
- Why is this behaviour happening?
- What is the parent’s role in the dynamic?
This is not about blame. No finger-pointing. No shame. But there are two people in this situation.
So much parenting advice focuses only on changing the child and controlling their behaviour—as if the child is the problem to fix.
But it takes two to tango. When we shift how we respond, our children naturally shift too.
When parents understands what’s really going on, they become empowered, able to notice early warning signs and respond in ways that prevent escalation.
Children Need Two Things to Stop Aggressive Behaviour: Power and Connection
In Language of Listening®, we see that children have emotional needs, just like we all have physical needs.
Think about physical needs: food, water, shelter, sleep. We suffer when these needs aren’t met.
Emotional needs are the same.
Two of the most fundamental for children are:
Connection – a need to feel understood, seen, and emotionally in sync with someone they trust.
Power – a need for personal agency: to feel capable, in control, confident, and able to influence their world.
Connection Is Not the Same as Love or Attention
It’s easy to think: “Of course I love my child, we spend all day together, I hug them, I tell them I care—surely that’s connection?”
Not necessarily. Connection isn’t just being with your child.
Connection is about truly feeling with them, being emotionally present, listening, acknowledging their feelings, and letting them feel heard.
A child can feel loved yet deeply disconnected.
They can feel that their thoughts, emotions, or opinions don’t matter—especially when their behaviour is met with punishment instead of understanding.
Power Is About Agency and Self-Efficacy
Power is personal. It’s not about control over others—it’s about control over oneself and one’s life.
A child meets their need for power when they:
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Feel capable
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Can make choices
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Have self-control
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Experience confidence in their actions
When a child feels powerless and disconnected, their need for power rises dramatically. Their brain craves agency, and until it is met, they will act out—sometimes hitting, screaming, or throwing things—to meet their need for power.
Why Children Escalate: A Story of Hitting and Being Heard
Let’s go back to our earlier story about a mum and her eight-year-old son.
One evening, he wanted to play a video game after dinner. She said:
“No, you need to do your homework first. Screens are off until it’s done.”
She meant well. She was holding a boundary. But notice what didn’t happen: she didn’t acknowledge how he felt. She didn’t validate him. She didn’t give him any opportunity to share his point of view.
So what did he do?
He shouted: “It’s not fair! I always have to do homework first!”
When that didn’t work, he stomped, threw his pencil, and eventually hit her arm.
The mum panicked. She took away all his screen privileges for the week.
The behaviour escalated. He felt powerless, unheard, frustrated—and the hitting continued.
Why This Happens
Children must keep communicating until they feel heard.
Think about it: if a parent immediately enforces a rule without listening, the child has no way to make their feelings known. They cannot communicate their perspective in a calm way because the emotional need isn’t being met.
So, what does the child do?
They escalate. They shout, throw things, hit—even though that’s not what they want to do. It’s the only way they know to get their parent to actually listen.
In other words, escalation is a child’s last-resort communication. They’re not trying to be “bad”—they’re trying to be heard.
The Lesson
When parents don’t notice the early signs of frustration and jump straight to consequences, children escalate to prove their point. They are essentially saying:
“I need you to hear me. I need my feelings and my perspective to matter.”
When parents validate first, and offer ways to meet needs, escalation isn’t necessary. Children feel heard, regain a sense of power, and the aggressive behaviour disappears naturally.
Why kids hit and what a parent can do about it.
Let’s Rewind… and Do It Differently – Stop Hitting And Aggressive Behaviour In Children
Same evening. Same scenario.
He wants to play a video game after dinner. But this time, the mum notices the early signs of frustration—the sighs, stomping feet, and tight jaw—and uses SWYS (See What You See) to connect first.
- Mum: “You look really frustrated that you have to do homework before playing your game.”
- Child: “I always have to do homework first! Why can’t I just play?”
- Mum: “You think it’s not fair and you want to have some say in what you do.”
He pauses. He feels heard. His need for connection is being met—he doesn’t have to escalate to get her attention.
Mum: “You want to play now and still get your homework done. Hmm Must be something you CAN DO to get your homework done.”
Child: “Okay, I’ll do homework for 10 minutes, the play a round and then finish my homework.”
Mum: “You came up with a plan that works for both — getting your homework done and having your game time. That shows problem-solving and self-control. Let’s go with your plan.”
If you want more examples of how to reply in this way, then download my 3 Books filled with scripts, real-life examples, and the exact wording you can use in everyday situations.
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So, What Changed This Time?
- The child didn’t hit, shout, or throw.
- His need for connection was met—he felt understood.
- His need for power was met—he had a choice and a sense of control.
- Mum held the boundary without conflict, using empathy instead of force.
The Key Difference
In the first scenario, she skipped connection and went straight to control. Escalation was inevitable.
In the second scenario:
- She noticed the early signs of frustration.
- She reflected back what he was feeling.
- She offered choices to meet his need for power.
- She held the boundary with empathy, not force.
Aggression wasn’t required anymore because his emotional needs were met before hitting even became an option.
Now, I Know What You Might Be Thinking…
“Hell no! This won’t work with my child!”
I get it. You’ve tried rules, consequences, and time-outs, and it feels like nothing works.
Well, I can tell you—it will work.
There’s one missing piece to this puzzle though.
Even when a child’s needs for connection and power are met, they still need to bring out their self-control, adaptability, and how to handle big emotions when things don’t go their way.
That’s a whole other blog post—but for now, remember this:
- Meeting the need for connection makes your child feel heard.
- Meeting the need for power gives them agency and choice.
- With these needs met, aggression stops naturally.
Self-control and emotional regulation are the next step—but you can’t get there if the foundation of connection and power isn’t in place first.
The Takeaway – Stop Hitting And Aggressive Behaviour In Children
Aggression is not a child being “bad.”
It’s a child saying:
“I’m overwhelmed. I feel powerless. I need to be heard. Please listen.”
When a child’s need for connection and power is met, aggression disappears naturally.
Children behave better when they feel better, not just when they’re told what not to do.
This approach changes everything. It’s about seeing your child clearly, listening deeply, and responding with empathy and understanding—not punishment.
Start making a change today.
More Parenting Help From Camilla
1. Language of Listening downloadable eBook Collection.
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Create more ease, respect and joy at home
Inside, you’ll find real examples and practical scripts you can use immediately — solutions for everyday dilemmas faced by parents just like you.
No pushback, threats, punishments or sticker charts. Just confident parents, capable children, and a calmer home — starting today.
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What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
