If you’ve ever found yourself locked in a power struggle with your child? — saying things you swore you wouldn’t — this is for you.
Here’s what I learned about power struggles, and the moment everything shifted
The Moment It Hit Me
I can still see it so clearly.
Me in the middle of the supermarket aisle, my daughter on the floor in full meltdown mode, and me — hot-faced, mortified, and done. She’d just had the mother of all tantrums because I wouldn’t let her have something (I can’t even remember what it was now), and all I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow us both whole.
I remember gripping her little arm, dragging her towards the door, thinking to myself, I am going to win this one.
When we got home, I’d already planned the punishment — no screens for a week, no playdates, no treats. I was determined to show her who was boss.
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And then it hit me.
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If I’m winning, that means she’s losing.
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And why on earth was I trying to win over my own child?
That was my lightbulb moment. I suddenly realised I wasn’t actually solving anything — I was modelling a power struggle. Teaching her that if someone doesn’t do what you want, you fight harder, shout louder, dig your heels in.
No wonder we were stuck in this endless cycle.
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Because here’s the truth: as parents, we have to be the first to stop the struggle.
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It’s not about waiting for our child to “give in” or “surrender.”
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It’s about us choosing to step out of the battle altogether.
So, what is a Power Struggle?Understanding Power Struggles in Parenting A power struggle happens when both you and your child are locked in a battle of wills — both desperate not to lose. You’ll recognise it by the feeling — that tense, fiery who’s in charge here energy. In parent–child moments, it’s that familiar tug-of-war where you both want things your way, and neither of you wants to back down.It can quickly turn into a cycle of pushing, resisting, threatening, or standing firm — each move feeding the other — until you both end up stuck, frustrated, and disconnected. |
Why the Old Advice Doesn’t Work With Power Struggles With Kids
Outdated Parenting Myths, Gentle Parenting Tips
How many times have you heard:
- “Show them who’s boss.”
- “Don’t back down.”
- “If you give an inch, they’ll take a mile.”
But here’s the thing — that’s exactly how the power struggle stays alive.
Because the moment it becomes about winning, both sides are fighting to protect their pride, not to connect or solve anything.
No one wants to lose — especially not a child who already feels powerless.
How to Put An End To Power Struggles With Kids
Parenting Lessons from Real Life
Looking back, I can see what was really going on that day in the supermarket.
She didn’t actually want the sweets or the toy — she wanted to push the trolley.
She wanted to feel capable, grown-up, helpful. And I’d said no without even really looking at her.
If I’d paused for just a second and said something like: “You really want to push the trolley today, don’t you? You love doing it by yourself,”
I could have seen her world — and led from there.
Maybe we could have worked it out together: “It’s tricky in this busy aisle, how about you push it when we get to the next one?”
That tiny shift — from control to connection — changes everything.
Your Step-by-Step Guide to Ending Power Struggles
Positive Parenting Strategies, Connection-Based Parenting
1. Say What You See®
Before reacting, pause and see the world through your child’s eyes.
Name what’s true for them — “You really wanted that,” or “You’re so frustrated right now.”
This simple acknowledgment melts resistance and helps them feel seen.
2. Lead, Don’t Battle
Our job isn’t to “win” — it’s to lead calmly.
Children borrow their calm from us.
When we step out of the tug-of-war, we show them that leadership doesn’t mean overpowering someone; it means guiding them with respect and empathy.
3. Problem-Solve Together
Once everyone’s calm, invite your child to help find a solution.
Ask, “What could we do instead?” or “How can we make this work for both of us?”
This turns power struggles into teamwork — and builds emotional intelligence along the way.
Final Thought On Power Struggles With Kids
Parent Coaching, Gentle Discipline, Parenting Mindset Shift
Power struggles don’t mean we’re failing as parents — they simply show we’re human, and that we care enough to engage. But getting locked in a battle of wills is exhausting, and nobody truly wins.
What is powerful is choosing to step out of the struggle instead of pushing harder inside it.
When we shift from trying to control our children to leading with connection and clarity, everything changes. We stop reacting, and start guiding. We model emotional regulation instead of demanding it. And ironically, that’s when we actually get more cooperation — without raising our voice or digging in our heels.
- It takes strength to be the one who stops the cycle.
- It takes leadership to say, “We’re not doing the power struggle today.”
- And it’s far more effective than “winning.”
Because parenting isn’t about out-powering our kids. It’s about showing them what real power looks like
It can feel like a leap of faith to let go of the old ways — the threats, the punishments, the “I said so’s”
— Especially when that’s what we grew up with or what everyone around us seems to be doing.
I remember when I first started changing the way I parented. My husband looked at me one evening and said, “So… we’re not going to threaten anymore?!” He genuinely couldn’t imagine what would take its place. And honestly, at first, neither could I.
That’s why having someone to guide you through it makes all the difference.
This is exactly what I do in my coaching — I walk beside you. I show you how to respond differently in the moment, how to stay calm when your child isn’t, and how to stay in charge without needing to overpower or punish.
Because here’s the truth — we still need to be the leaders in our homes.
It’s not about letting go of boundaries.
It’s about how we hold them.
And the more we do it this way, the more willing cooperation we get.
Parenting gets lighter. Our children start to listen because they want to, not because they’re scared of what happens if they don’t.
That’s when the magic happens.
When your influence stays intact as they grow — right through the teenage years — because there’s nothing to rebel against anymore. There’s mutual respect instead.
I think of one mum I worked with recently — let’s call her Sarah. She came to me exhausted and heartbroken, locked in daily battles with her 7-year-old son. She’d tried everything: sticker charts, time-outs, taking away toys, raising her voice. None of it made a difference — in fact, it seemed to make things worse.
Within a few weeks of working together, something shifted. She started using new tools to connect before correcting, to pause before reacting. Her son began to soften too. One evening, she messaged me to say,
“He just helped me tidy up without me even asking twice! He looked at me and said, ‘I like it when we don’t shout anymore.’”
That’s the power of connection.
Happy boy. Happy mum.
And that’s what’s possible for every parent willing to step out of the struggle — and into a new way of leading.
Start making a change today.
Download now – 10 Things Your Defiant Child Needs to Hear From You (And Why They Matter)
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Do you have a defiant child?
Discover the essential things your child needs to hear to turn defiance into cooperation. — and learn how some of the things we say can unintentionally make things worse. |
