How to help your child with separation anxiety.
Dealing with separation anxiety in your child can be one of the most heart-wrenching parts of parenting. Whether it’s dropping them off at grandparents, school, or after school clubs, those teary goodbyes tug at your heartstrings.
Your instinct might be to jump into “fix-it” mode, eager to soothe their fears and stop the tears. It’s so hard to see them struggle, and every part of you wants to make the sadness disappear.
We mean well when we try to ease their pain—it comes from deep love and a desire to protect them. But in order to truly support them, we need to give our child repeated opportunities to feel capable and able.
When we step in too quickly, we unintentionally send the message that they can’t handle it.
When we offer steady reassurance and allow them to work through their feelings, we give them something even more powerful—confidence in themselves. If we believe they can do it, they will start to believe it too.
SO, What can you do to support your child?
An Incredibly Powerful Way To Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety
Why I’m not a fan of calling it separation anxiety.
When it comes to helping your child, it can actually make things harder for both you and your child. It sounds like a big problem that needs fixing, which might make you more anxious and your child feel less capable.
It’s easy to think, my child has anxiety, and feel stuck, unsure of how to help. But what if we shifted our perspective?
For example: A child who feels anxious about attending a new after-school club isn’t just a child with anxiety—they’re a child who needs coaching and guidance in what to do. They need problem-solving skills, strategies to manage their worries, and the confidence to face new situations.
Of course, in the moment, it’s hard to offer this support. However, during the week, we have opportunities to build their confidence in small ways. If we’re used to doing too much for them, it might mean stepping back and giving them chances to do things for themselves. Because the more they experience feeling capable, the more they’ll believe they are.
Related:
How to Stop a Child from Crying at Preschool: A Teacher’s Guide
An Incredibly Powerful Way To Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety
Supporting your child with separation anxiety starts with boosting their self-esteem.
It’s like giving them a strong inner anchor—they feel more confident and capable of handling those tough moments on their own.
When they believe in themselves, it makes saying goodbye easier and helps them navigate the day with more resilience.
Building Self-EsteemSelf-esteem is built on two key things: self-trust and feeling capable. Self-trust is about knowing and trusting your own feelings and desires. It’s like saying, “I know how I feel, and I know what I want.” When kids trust their own feelings, they feel more confident in their decisions and understand themselves better. Feeling capable means believing you can handle challenges and emotions. It’s the confidence that says, “I have these big feelings, but I can get through them.” When kids feel capable, they believe in their ability to manage tough situations and emotions. By helping our kids trust their feelings, feel capable of handling their emotions and find solutions, we boost their confidence and capabilities. They learn they are strong and can navigate life’s ups and downs. |
Strategies to support your child
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Start by validating your child’s emotions and experience. Let them know it’s okay to feel upset. Saying something like, “You’re feeling really sad right now, and that’s okay,” helps them feel understood and accepted.
Often, with the best of intentions we can reply with things that dismiss their feelings. “You’ll be ok! You’ll meet lots of new friends, there’s nothing to worry about…”
We think were encouraging our child, but unfortunately it has the opposite effect.
When we allow our children to experience their emotions fully and provide them with the tools to manage these feelings, we are teaching them invaluable life skills.
They learn that it’s okay to feel what they feel, and more importantly, that they have the strength and ability to navigate their emotions.
When we validate our child’s experience, we boost their self-esteem.
Often, when children feel heard and understood, it gives them the space they need to move through their upset.
It’s like saying, “I see you, I hear you, and it’s okay to feel this way,” which can make a big difference in helping them calm down and feel more secure.
2. Point out their STRENGTHs
In Language of Listening we believe kids already have every inner strength they need; Our job as parents is to help them recognise and build on these strengths.
For example, if a child feels anxious about school drop-off, we can highlight their bravery by pointing out other moments in the day when they showed courage.
Maybe they tried a new activity despite feeling nervous, or they stood up for a friend. By acknowledging these instances, we reinforce their adaptability, bravery, and problem-solving skills. This approach helps children understand that they have the capability to face challenges and manage their emotions effectively.
Imagine your child realising this is who they are—how empowering is that? By focusing on these strengths, we help them see their own incredible abilities and boost their confidence.
Simple ways to support your child with separation anxiety
Related:
How to Stop a Child from Crying at Preschool: A Teacher’s Guide
3. Bring out their self-esteem
Boosting self-esteem through validation and encouragement is powerful.
First, when we acknowledge our child’s emotions as valid, it makes them feel understood and accepted. Then, by highlighting their ability to tackle challenges and find solutions, we strengthen their belief in themselves. This combination helps build their confidence and resilience.
They begin to think of themselves as capable: “I can handle this. I am capable.”
This blend of self-trust and feeling capable forms the foundation of healthy self-esteem, empowering them to face difficulties with confidence.
4. Keep calm ourselves
Children often mirror our emotions. If you remain calm and composed, it sends a powerful message that they can handle the situation too.
When we start focusing on our child’s strengths and abilities, it becomes easier to stay calm. As we recognise and celebrate their strengths, we begin to see them as capable and resilient. This perspective helps us stay calm and reassures our child that they have the inner strength to manage their emotions and challenges.
5. Celebrate small steps in the right direction
Supporting our child through their challenges is never easy, but it’s important to focus on the small steps they take in the right direction.
Look for those little successes and point them out. Kids learn best through success, and the more they see themselves as successful, the more their confidence grows.
In Language of Listening, the coaching model I use and teach, we use a tool called “success training.” As life coaches for our kids, we create opportunities for them to see themselves as successful and capable, helping them build self-esteem and resilience step by step.
For example, if your child is anxious about going to Grandma’s, celebrate the small success of them packing their own bag. You might say, “You packed your bag all by yourself! That shows how brave and capable you are.” By you pointing out their STRENGTHs helps them see their own progress and builds their confidence bit by bit.
How to help your child with separation anxiety
Empowering our kids in this way helps them build trust in themselves. They learn to recognise their feelings, understand that they are normal, and develop confidence in their ability to handle difficult situations. This approach not only helps them at the school gates but sets a foundation for emotional resilience that will serve them throughout their lives.
As tough as it is to see our kids distressed, we can’t shield them from every uncomfortable emotion. But we can coach them through these moments, helping them see their own bravery and adaptability.
By empowering them with these skills, we’re not just easing their separation anxiety but also giving them tools for life’s challenges. Let’s embrace our role as their life coach, guiding them to trust their feelings and confidently manage their emotions.
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