The best way to handle ungrateful behaviour on holiday.
Question: “Just wondered if anyone had any advice for me?
I have two children, the eldest is a very strong willed 4-year-old daughter. My hubby and I have just taken the children on holiday with my parents. Every day my daughter has been a drama where she has had tantrums, continuous moaning and really ungrateful behaviour…In short, her behaviour has been truly awful on holiday!!
Taking things off her or stopping her doing something she loves hasn’t worked. Speaking to her calmly about her behaviour and what’s going on hasn’t helped at all. Even getting her grandmother to speak with her hasn’t made the slightest difference!! Where am I going wrong and what do I do??
Everything ends up with her screaming and throwing herself around the room daily. No matter how calm we are with her or who tries to calmly speak to her, it’s always the same. I’m so frustrated and worried this will continue when we go home.
It’s making me so upset especially that when we are at home she is such a loving and caring child, but when away it’s like she is a totally different person??
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Is it because she is away from her home? I’m so worried about her and desperately want to go down the right path as a solution.
I can’t believe that she is happy, and her behaviour is really getting to everyone at the moment. Thanks in advance!!!!”
“The best way to handle ungrateful behaviour on holiday
ANSWER:
I feel for you, you’re on holiday with your family and what was supposed to be a peaceful family holiday has had you dealing with your daughter’s upsetting behaviour and putting a huge strain on your family time.
If you guys are anything like me and my family, I bet you were arguing over the best way to deal with her behaviour which in itself would, of course, add to your own frustrations.
As adults, we tend to see behaviour as either good or bad. So we put judgments on our child’s behaviour. In this case, your daughter being ungrateful and generally awful.
On top of her behaviour is a fear that it will continue when you get home. So, it’s perfectly natural that you would try everything you know to control your daughter’s behaviour and shut it down.
If you’ve an angry aggressive child on your hand, and wondering what to do, click here.
If we look at her actions as a choice and that she chooses to act the way she does, then, of course, we would use the model of “Doing to” our child.
Because we think she needs motivation to change her behaviour. When in fact it’s not motivation our child needs at all.
As you noticed by example, these reactions do not work and more likely to escalate her behaviour. As you said, “There are long tantrums and everything ends up in her screaming and throwing herself around the room daily. No matter how calm we are with her or who tries to calmly speak to her, it’s always the same.”
So, you now find yourself in power struggles and stressed out, that makes you and your daughter more miserable.
So, what can we do to handle ungrateful behaviour on holiday?
The first step is always to calm the situation down.
For many years struggling with my own daughter’s reactive behaviour, I didn’t know that my well-meaning reactions were actually causing more stress and prolonging her reactive outbursts.
Using the 3-step coaching model I teach, “The Language of Listening® “The first premise is “All behaviour is communication.” And children will keep communicating until the feel heard.
So, as with your daughter, she is literally acting out, just like a game of charades, her upsets and her own frustrations.
As parents, we can often feel that if we acknowledge her wants or wishes we are somehow agreeing to her behaviour.
All behaviour is driven by healthy needs. Not all behaviour is healthy.
In The Language of Listening® the first step we promote is “CONNECTION” Our children feel connected when we validate their wants and needs.
It’s the quickest way to handle ungrateful behaviour on holiday.
The CONNECTION step is so important,
And you can often see your child move from “out-of-control” behaviour straight into sadness and right into your arms for comfort.
When we don’t make the effort to truly connect, we use reactionary statements such as:
“How many times do I have to tell you. We ARE going to the beach, get used to it, you can’t always have what you want, it’s not about you, you know!”
or
“We just can’t go swimming, stop acting spoilt, you know we can go tomorrow.”
Making the effort to use Connection Step type of statements demonstrate that you “get it” and will better validate her point of view or wants:
Note, You don’t need to change your boundary by acknowledging her. You will find that once your daughter feels validated, her need to feel understood will not have to escalate into more disruptive behaviour to try and prove to you how she really feels. |
Here’s another pitfall we can easily fall into. I like to call it:
“Don’t poke the bear!”
You can read more about ways we unintentionally poke the bear on page 139 of my workbook
When your daughter is upset, however silly you find it, it’s not the time to judge her behaviour, ask questions, teach, try to fix or get her to do anything.
Examples of what NOT to say.
- Calm down
- What’s the matter? How’re you feeling?
- You know now isn’t the time for swimming, the pool will close soon and its nearly time for dinner.
- Don’t you speak to me like that, you’re just sounding disrespectful and rude and I won’t speak to you till you calm down.
- You know, we could just go and get ice-cream instead.
The next step to helping her change her own behaviour is understanding what is driving her behaviour.
To understand HOW her behaviour makes sense, start by asking yourself. “Why would my gorgeous daughter act this way? What is she trying to tell me?”
This helps you stay out of judgement and move towards compassion and connection and help her handle her ungrateful behaviour
Her acting out in this way suggests that she is feeling a great deal of powerlessness and disconnection. Kids live in the moment and see the world very differently to us, leading to big frustrations.
Strong-willed children have a strong need for predictability and control over their environment
And a huge need to feel understood and connected. Seeing the family’s frustration only worsens the lack of connection and drives her need for more control.
When she feels powerless in her environment, she becomes more demanding and controlling to regain a sense of power.
She feels misunderstood and doesn’t feel confident in her new environment.
Now, start to think about what you can do to support her and have her needs met that will work for the whole family.
By understanding this, you’ll see that your daughter isn’t being difficult or awful. She’s just struggling to meet her needs.
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