Toddlers and Sharing: Why They Struggle and What Actually Helps
Toddlers are notorious for not sharing. They cling tightly to their toys and can throw a full-blown tantrum if someone else dares to touch what they’re playing with—even if that toy’s been ignored for weeks. Sound familiar?
Here’s the good news: how we respond to those moments makes all the difference.
With the right approach, we can turn these tricky situations into powerful learning experiences for our kids. Let’s look at a real-life example—and the simple mindset shift that can change everything.
How to deal with your toddler not sharing
The other day, I was at a library with friends. It has a wonderful children’s area with toys in individual bags. Kids can play there or check the toys out to take home—so it’s important to keep each set together.
Twin 4-year-old girls were happily playing with a puzzle. Nearby, a 3-year-old boy was deeply engaged with three plastic digger trucks. He had them lined up just the way he liked and was totally immersed in his play.
One of the girls walked over and took one of his trucks.
The boy burst into tears and turned to his mother for support.
How to respond to a toddler not sharing – The Critical Parenting Moment
We all want our kids to learn to share and take turns. But the way we respond in that moment makes all the difference.
Let me introduce you to the first step of the Language of Listening® parenting framework I use. It’s simple, but powerful: SAY WHAT YOU SEE.
That means describing exactly what’s happening, without judgment. And it’s something many of us skip—we usually jump straight to what we think is happening or what our child should be doing.
Let me show you what I mean…
Let’s stay in the moment with the little boy and consider how best to respond to the situation.
Are They Really Not Sharing?
Have you ever said, “He’s not sharing” or “She’s not listening”?
Here’s the thing: You can’t see something that’s not happening.
Those are judgments, not observations.
-
“Not sharing” is what we think.
-
What we can actually see is: a child holding onto a toy tightly or a child ignoring a request.
This difference really matters. When we react to our thoughts instead of what’s really happening, we trigger power struggles, frustration, and misunderstandings.
This mindset shift alone changes everything.
Two Ways to Respond To Your Toddler Not Sharing
Let’s go back to the boy and his trucks. You’ve got two options:
Reaction 1 (typical):
“You need to share. You never share! You’re a big boy now, it’s not kind. She wants to play too—they’re not even your toys!”
Reaction 2 (SAY WHAT YOU SEE):
“You’ve lined up the trucks just how you like them. You’re really focused on how you want to play. It’s hard to share when you’re deep in play.”
Toddler not sharing? Which response do you think helps more?
Reaction 1 is totally natural—but it’s critical, guilt-inducing, and doesn’t teach the child much. It might get short-term compliance, but leaves everyone drained.
Reaction 2, however, acknowledges the child’s experience. It shows understanding, builds trust, and opens the door to problem-solving.
In this case, the boy wasn’t being selfish—he was busy playing. When we acknowledge that, we create space for empathy and growth.
What Happened Next Was Surprising…
I used a Say What You See, the boy looked up, smiled, and offered a block to the girl—inviting her to play.
His mother was stunned:
“Oh my gosh, he’s never done that before! He usually holds on so tight to his toys.”
That’s the magic of SAYING WHAT YOU SEE. It puts you and your child on the same side and helps them see their own strengths.
And yes—he did share. Without being told to.
Toddler not sharing? Try This Over the Next Few Days
Start pausing during your interactions with your child and practice using SAY WHAT YOU SEE—describe what’s actually happening, rather than what you think should be happening.
Here’s how to shift your language:
-
Instead of:
“You never do as I ask.”
Try:
“You’re really busy playing with your Lego.” -
Instead of:
“You’re not listening to me.”
Try:
“You’re focused on finishing your game.”
Why it matters:
-
What you SEE = What’s actually happening in the moment
-
What you THINK = Your interpretation or judgment of the behavior
This small shift builds connection, reduces power struggles, and helps your child feel seen and understood.
Like what you’re reading and want more real-life examples of using SAY WHAT YOU SEE and other tools from Language of Listening®?
You can get them right here — simple, actionable insights you can start using with your child today.
The Language of Listening Collection, £15
Get immediate access to 3 eBooks with practical tools and step by step guidance to better behaviour and more joy at home
Page by page you’ll find easy and practical solutions to real life dilemmas faced by parents, just like you.
No punishments, bribes, or rewards needed—just happy kids and even happier parents!
Feeling overwhelmed with parenting challenges? Get online parenting support now.
I offer 1-2-1 coaching support to a more enjoyable, joyful family life.
You don’t have to go it alone! I’m here to help.
As a qualified, authorised child behaviour specialist and parenting coach, I provide personalised support and practical solutions to turn your parenting challenges into a calm, happy, peaceful home.
Parent coaching is like having a trusty guide on your parenting journey Let’s chat. You can schedule a complimentary, no-obligation call. You can do that by clicking right here.
What other parents are saying after working with me:
“Camilla was the answer to our prayers. I am endlessly grateful to her and only wish I’d found her sooner.” Louisa, Mum of 2
“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
“I was stuck in a pretty unpleasant vicious circle, with three awesome small children and was ruining it. I was afraid they would grow up and not trust me. Within the first couple of weeks working with Camilla I saw positive changes.” Claire, Mum of 3
Ready to take the first step toward the family life you’ve been dreaming of?
