The Flaws in ‘Earn It Back’ Discipline —Effective ways to better behaviour. Why making kids earn things for good behaviour doesn’t work like we think. Discover a deeper, more effective way to guide your child through connection.
A client of mine came to me, exhausted. Her teenage son was “out of control” — snapping back, ignoring boundaries, constantly pushing limits. She and her partner had tried everything: taking away his phone, cancelling pocket money, grounding him.
“He just doesn’t care,” she said, holding back tears. “We make him earn his phone back for ‘good’ behaviour. But he then goes right back to the same behaviour.”
Sound familiar?
We talked it through, and what struck me most was this: she wasn’t parenting from a lack of love or effort. She was parenting from the script most of us were handed.
The one that says: If your child behaves badly, take something away. If they’re ‘good’, give it back.
Flaws in ‘Earn It Back’ Discipline.
And that’s the message society gives us again and again:
“Withhold what they care about. They’ll shape up to get it back.”
On the surface, it makes sense. Reward good behaviour. Remove privileges for bad behaviour. Cause and effect, right?
But here’s what we miss:
This approach teaches obedience — not skills or cooperation
It might lead to a child who complies…
But at what cost?
My client had done all the “right” things. And eventually, her son did stop answering back — just long enough to earn his phone back.
But as soon as he got it, the same behaviour returned. The cycle repeated itself.
And this is the part we don’t talk about enough as parents:
The quiet disconnection that happens even when things look like they’re “working.”
Because we rarely pause to ask: What do we even mean by “good behaviour”?
Is it simply doing what they’re told? Not arguing? Obeying the rules?
If so — what happens to emotional honesty? Assertiveness? The ability to question, negotiate, or disagree?
Flaws in ‘Earn It Back’ Discipline: When we focus on surface behaviour, we risk missing what’s going on underneath it.
Instead of building influence, we accidentally create a power struggle dynamic:
“Do this… or lose something.” And when we rely on control, we erode the very thing we need most to truly guide our children: connection and influence.
Because connection is what makes us influential in our child’s life. It’s what makes them want to listen.
And here’s another problem with relying on ‘making our kids earn it back’ as a parenting tool:
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What happens when they’re old enough to make their own money?
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Buy their own phone?
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Live under their own roof?
If our influence has only ever come through control, we lose it the moment they’re out of reach. But if it’s rooted in connection, it stays — even when they’re grown.
That’s when I invited her to try flipping the approach
And it all started with understanding where behaviour actually comes from, instead of just trying to stamp it out.
Enter: Language of Listening®
In Language of Listening®, the coaching model I use and teach, we start with a radical reframe:
All behaviour is a form of communication.
And all behaviour is an attempt to meet a need.
In Language of Listening, we break them down into 3 easy to remember needs:
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Connection – to feel seen, heard, and valued
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Power – to feel capable and have some control
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Experience – to learn, explore, and try new things
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Want real-life examples of how these needs show up in your child’s behaviour?
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And here’s the key insight: Why There’s Flaws in ‘Earn It Back’ Discipline.
Your child is meeting those needs — whether in ways you like, or ways you don’t.
Let’s take connection for example.
Connection is a core human need — for all of us. It’s the feeling of being seen, heard, valued, understood and a sense of belonging
If a child doesn’t feel connected at home — if they feel misunderstood, criticised, constantly corrected — they’ll find ways to meet that need somewhere else.
- Maybe through friends.
- Or social media.
- Or even pushing limits just to get any connection.
- And sometimes, that connection comes through doing things we don’t like just to fit in with a crowd that will accept them.
But here’s the kicker:
What are most of us told to do when this happens?
We ground them.
>We take away their phone.
>We restrict contact with their friends.
But if their behaviour was already an attempt to meet a need for connection — how is piling on more disconnection supposed to help?
It doesn’t.
- It pushes them further away.
- It teaches them, “When I reach for connection in the wrong way, I get punished — not helped.”
- And that drives the behaviour deeper underground, or louder and more extreme.
So in Language of Listening, instead of asking: “How do I get them to behave?”
We ask:
“What need are they trying to meet? And how can I help them meet that need in a healthier way?”
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This is the shift: From controller to coach.
We don’t just correct — we coach:
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Coach them in problem-solving
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Coach them in how to meet their needs in healthy ways
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Coach them in seeing the best in themselves, even when they’re struggling
Because here’s the truth: TheFlaws in ‘Earn It Back’ Discipline.
When we take things away, we might get short-term compliance…
But we often lose long-term influence.
And that’s what matters most.
Think about it — how many times have we:
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Told off
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Lectured
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Blamed
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Threatened
— all in the hope it would motivate change?
Now flip it. How motivating would you find that?
If someone constantly pointed out what you were doing wrong… Made you feel like a problem…
Held your favourite things just out of reach until you “improved”…Would that build trust? Empower you? Inspire change?
Or would it create resentment, shame, or a desire to just… wait it out? (which looks an awful lot like what we’ve been told is ‘bad’ behaviour!)
That’s the trap.
We want to raise emotionally intelligent, resilient, communicative kids —
But when we rely on punishment, we end up teaching them to hide how they feel, shut down, or say what we want to hear just to get their stuff back.
That’s not growth.
That’s survival.
So next time you’re tempted to take something away “until they behave,” ask yourself:
- Do I want surface compliance, or coach my child to gain skills, meet their needs in healthy ways and manage their own behaviour?
- Do I want obedience… or influence?
Because true influence doesn’t come from controlling what our kids can access.
It comes from connection, trust, and coaching them with the skills they need to thrive.
And that shift changes everything.
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