A surprisingly easy way to boost your child’s self esteem. I’m a firm believer we can’t change what we don’t know, it’s only when we’re armed with new insights does change become easier.
We’re diving into everything from the impact of our words on their confidence to creating a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Get ready to learn how to boost your child’s self-esteem and empower them to shine!
Sometimes, without even realising it, the way we talk to our kids doesn’t help a child with low self-esteem. Yep, even with the best intentions, our words can sometimes chip away at their confidence.
Low self-esteem can really hold our kids back. It can affect everything from their school performance to their friendships, and even how happy they feel day to day. So, let’s chat about how we can communicate better, avoiding those common pitfalls, to truly help our children shine.
So, let’s dive into understanding how we can communicate more effectively to truly bring out the best in our children.
These common ways of speaking to our children are so widespread in our society that many of us haven’t paused to think about them. So please, don’t see this as a fault-finding or blaming post.
Remember, we can’t change what we don’t know. Let’s focus on learning and growing together to support our children better.
How to help a child with low self-esteem is by becoming aware of the way we speak.
Here’s 5 phrases that we should avoid, especially with a child with low self-esteem
When we’re helping a child with low self-esteem, it’s important to be aware that although these phrases might be well-intentioned, they can send unintended messages that could harm our child’s confidence.
Becoming mindful of the language we use with our kids is the first step towards making a change.
I’ll also share some alternative phrases and communication strategies that can encourage the behaviour we want while boosting our child’s self-esteem.
1.” I wish you were more like (someone else)“
Sometimes, we have this idea in our heads about how we think our child should be—maybe based on what we see in other kids, like siblings, cousins, or their friends at school. We might think comparing them will give them a nudge to do better or act differently.
Comparing your child to others can be harmful for several reasons:
When we compare a child to others, we are essentially telling them that they are not good enough as they are. This can be damaging to their self-esteem and make them feel like they are not valued or loved for who they are.
When a child feels like they’re compared to others and coming up short, it really messes with their self-belief. They start doubting themselves, thinking they’ll never measure up. It’s like they’re always in this race they can never win, and that feeling can stick with them.
It’s tough because we don’t want our kids to have low -self esteem. We want them to feel confident and believe in themselves, not constantly question their worth. That’s why how we talk to them matters so much—it shapes how they see themselves and their place in the world.
When helping a child with low self-esteem, it’s all about bringing out the best in them. Letting them know we love them for who they are.
So, instead of pushing them to be like someone else, let’s be their supporters. Guide them, encourage them, and help them pursue their goals.
When we emphasise their individuality, we’re empowering them to thrive in their own way. That’s how we lift them up without creating unnecessary comparisons.
2. “Stop crying, there’s nothing to be upset about.”
Many of us were told this growing up—you know, the whole “suck it up” thing. Emotions were seen as a sign of weakness, so hearing our child cry can trigger all sorts of uncomfortable feelings in us. No wonder we’re so quick to shut down their tears—it feels overwhelming.
We might also say this to our child because we genuinely care about them and want to make sure they’re safe and okay. We’re trying to reassure them.
And some of us might believe that crying means they can’t handle their emotions or that they need to toughen up. We want them to grow up strong, right?
Telling our child to stop crying can be harmful for several reasons:
Firstly, when we help a child with low self-esteem we have to start by supporting their ability to trust themselves.
Self-esteem grows from a foundation of self-trust—trusting how they feel, what they like, and who they are. This self trust is like the solid ground they stand on as they navigate the world.
Secondly, when we tell a child to stop crying and that there’s nothing to be upset we inadvertently send the message that their emotions are invalid or wrong.
Imagine how that feels from their perspective—it’s like their feelings aren’t respected or understood. Over time, this can lead them to believe that expressing emotions is not okay or that they should hide how they feel to avoid being judged or dismissed.
Instead of telling your child to stop crying, it’s important to acknowledge and validate their feelings. You can say something like: ” You’re upset, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad or frustrated sometimes.”
As they see that you get where they’re coming from, they start trusting their own feelings and thoughts more. They feel safe just being themselves around you because they know you’ll get them. It’s like they can be totally honest about how they feel, and that’s a big deal for building that self- trust.
3. “I’m disappointed in you”
It’s easy saying “I’m disappointed in you” when we believe our child has goofed up, acted a bit out of line, or didn’t quite meet our expectations. We usually say it because we’re a bit bummed out about their behaviour and think it might motivate them to change
We mean well, but our child hears: “Hey, I expected better from you!” and we unintentionally make them feel small or bad about themselves.
But it can be harmful for several reasons:
When a child with low self-esteem hears that they have disappointed someone they love and respect, it can really knock a child’s self-esteem. They might start thinking they’re not good enough or that they don’t deserve love and approval.
When a child with low self-esteem feels like they’ve let someone down, it can make them super cautious about making mistakes or trying new stuff next time. It’s like they freeze up, worried they’ll mess up again and disappoint.
Giving them tools for changing how they respond next time and helping them gain confidence in their abilities not only changes their behaviour for the better, it’s about knowing how to get back on track.
This way, they understand the problem, start feeling more confident about sorting things out, and know how to aim for a better outcome. It’s like using the principles of Language of Listening. You’re focusing on understanding their behaviour and coaching them toward improvement, rather than just making them feel like they’ve messed everything up.
4. “I don’t trust you“
We might say something like “I don’t trust you” to our child for a few reasons. Sometimes, it’s because they’ve repeatedly lied or broken the rules, making us feel like they’ve broken our trust. We kind of hope saying it will light a fire under them to change their ways.
Other times, it’s because we struggle with letting go of control. Like, we’re trying to keep a grip on things by letting them know we’re watching and not thrilled with what’s going on. And maybe we’ve got trust issues from way back—stuff from our own childhood or past relationships that makes it tough for us to believe in anyone, even our own kids. We don’t mean to project that onto them, but sometimes it just comes out that way.
And then there are those rare times when we’re just trying to protect them, like warning them about danger we see coming down the line. It’s all about trying to steer them right, even if our words come out a bit rough sometimes.
How to help your child with low self-esteem
Trust is mega important in any relationship, especially between us and our kids. When we drop the “I don’t trust you” bomb, it can shake up their sense of security and make them doubt our bond.
They might feel like we’re pushing them away or not getting where they’re coming from. It can really strain our connection with them.
If they think we don’t trust them, they might start keeping secrets or fibbing to dodge the whole drama. And that’s a slippery slope—it can end up with even more distrust and sneaky stuff, which isn’t great for anyone.
Plus, it can make them feel like they can’t do anything right.
They start acting out because they feel like they’re not trusted or respected. Then we start seeing them as less trustworthy, which really hits their self-esteem hard.
But if we flip the script and focus on bringing out their strengths, we can coach them to feel great about who they are. Building them up like that creates an environment where trust can grow again.
5. “Why would you do that or what were you thinking.”
We might drop this one when we’re feeling a bit flustered or let down. It’s like when they do something that just leaves us scratching our heads, thinking, ‘What were you thinking?’
Sometimes, we’re genuinely curious about why they did what they did. It’s not just about pointing fingers—it’s like we’re trying to get inside their head, figure out their logic.
And it’s like we’re hoping they’ll stop and think, ‘Hmm, maybe that wasn’t the best move.
It can be harmful to a child with low self-esteem for several reasons: You can see how it doesn’t help our child’s self esteem.
This kind of questioning can really knock a child’s self-esteem. They might feel a bit silly, embarrassed, or like they just can’t get it right, which isn’t great for their self-esteem.
When they feel judged or criticised, they might clam up. It’s like they throw up this defensive wall and shut down, which stops them from sharing what’s really going on inside.
And asking “Why did you do that?” doesn’t really point them in the right direction for next time. It’s like leaving them hanging, not knowing what to do to make things better.
Instead of coming at it like an interrogation, we can try something more supportive. It shows them we’re on their team and creates a safe space for them to talk about what’s going on. That way, they feel more in control, more capable of handling stuff, and they learn how to handle things better next time around.
The way we talk to our kids really shapes how they see themselves and the world around them.
Even though we mean well, our words can sometimes land in a way we didn’t expect and affect how they feel about themselves.
When we make a point of seeing the best in our kids, we’re setting them on a path to be bring out their self-esteem. It’s like shining a spotlight on all the things that make them amazing.
As parents, we’re their biggest fans, right? We want to help our child with low self-esteem. We want to bring out their self-esteem.
Cheering them on and showing them how amazing they are. When they feel that love and support, they start believing in themselves too.
That’s how they grow into resilient, fearless individuals who can take on anything that comes their way.
The Language of Listening® framework is a powerful tool that helps us build strong self-esteem in our kids. All while holding healthy boundaries.
Learn how to communicate with your child to build their self-esteem and encourage positive behaviour.
Discover how Language of Listening can revolutionise your family dynamics and help a child with low self-esteem.
Click here and get your hands on a copy of my book. (A real physical workbook sent to your address!)
Based on the teaching and exercises I’ve completed with hundreds of families over the years.
They include a blend of:
- Actionable steps and skills to transform your parenting
- Theory behind this approach so you understand why and how it works
- Examples for different ages to help you apply what you learn to your own child
- Questions that create deep insights into how you and your child interact with (and react to) each other
- Exercises to help you apply what you’ve learned in real-life
And if you’re ready for more tailored support, my coaching can guide you to achieve the results you’re looking for. You can help your children develop healthy self-esteem which will benefit them throughout their lives.
