The Unknown Problem With Praise And A Unique Alternative Way.
We’ve all been there—watching our kids beam with pride as we offer them praise. It feels so good to see that sparkle in their eyes.
I always thought praise was a surefire way to raise well-behaved kids with strong self-esteem.
But, what if I told you that all that praise might have some unintended side effects?
Yep, praise might not always be the magic ingredient we think it is.
In this blog, we’ll chat about the problem with praise and why it can sometimes backfire and explore some fresh, effective ways to support and motivate our kids.
Let’s dive in and find out how we can help them grow in a way that truly empowers them.
So, What’s The Unknown Problem With Praise?
I was once convinced that all the “good girl” and “good boy” praise, along with stickers and reward charts, were the keys to raising a compliant and happy child.
After all, a quick search on Amazon will show you a gazillion options for these reward systems.
I used to swear by sticker charts, thinking they were the magic solution for encouraging good behaviour in my daughter. I set up a colourful chart on the fridge and promised stickers for every “good deed” she did.
At first, she was thrilled and tried hard to earn those stickers. But soon, I noticed she was more focused on the rewards than on actually behaving well. When she didn’t get a sticker, her motivation dropped and she became frustrated.
It was a wake-up call for me. I realised that my well-intentioned rewards were shifting her focus from the value of her actions to just getting the stickers.
The Unknown problem with praise…
1. Praise is controlling
Chances are, you offer praise to get them to do something you asked them to do. Maybe they earn a sticker on their chart for behaving the way you want.
It’s worth taking a moment to observe this dynamic—not just in your own interactions, but also in the world around you.
I remember when I walked by my kid’s school at pickup time and listened to the interactions around me. I heard things like:
“Good boy! You stopped when I asked you to.”
“Good girl! You put your coat on.”
“Good girl, you’re getting in the car when I asked.”
“Good boy, you played nicely with Joey.”
It struck me how much this feels like manipulation and control.
The message being sent is that they are only “good” if they’re doing something to please us. It’s as if we’re constantly dangling a carrot to influence their behaviour.
The problem with praise is that it can often feel more like a way to control rather than truly support our children.
The Unknown Problem With Praise
2. If a child doesn’t have the same self-image as the one you’re praising it can lead to anger and distrust.
When there’s a gap between your praise and how your child sees themselves, it can make them feel like you don’t really understand them.
For instance, if you praise a child for being smart but they don’t believe they’re clever, they might think, “I’m not smart; Sally is way better than me.”
Or if you compliment their appearance but they dislike it, they might feel, “What do you know about how I feel?”
This mismatch can erode trust and make them question whether your praise is sincere or even if you’re being honest with them.
3. The absence of praise can feel like criticism.
When praise is missing, children can interpret it as a sign that they haven’t met expectations or that their efforts go unnoticed. This absence can lead them to doubt their worth or feel they’re not valued, which can impact their self-esteem and motivation.
“I tried and tried all week to be ‘good’ at school and I didn’t get the ‘star’ of the week. I must not be good enough.”
or “You didn’t say anything about how hard I tried with my homework; you must not be pleased with me.”
Or “I put so much work into this project, but you didn’t say anything. I must not be doing a good job.”
4. we train our children to look outside themselves for validation.
When we frequently evaluate and praise our children, they can begin to depend on external approval to feel good about themselves.
Instead of trusting their own sense of accomplishment, they start to ask, “Wasn’t I good, mummy?” or “Didn’t I do well?”
The main problem with praising your child is that it focuses on external validation.
As they grow, this reliance on praise can shift from us to their peers. They may start seeking approval from friends with phrases like, “Like me, like me,” or “What do I have to do to be accepted?”
This craving for validation can lead to peer pressure, where they value others’ opinions more than their own.
Ultimately, this dependency on external feedback can undermine their self-confidence and sense of self-worth.
5. Praise can cause sibling rivalry and resentment.
Before I became a parenting coach, I noticed a pattern with my children. My son, who was more compliant, often received praise like “Good boy!”
On the other hand, my daughter, who was more strong-willed and impulsive, didn’t receive as much praise. This uneven attention led to a painful realisation one day when my daughter asked, “Why don’t I get ‘Good girl!’? Am I not good?”
This disparity in praise made her feel overlooked and less valued compared to her brother, fueling feelings of resentment and rivalry.
The problem with praise and what we can do instead
Acknowledgement can do wonders for a child’s self-esteem, far beyond any praise we give.
Praise tends to be all about us—what we think, what we like. For example, saying “Well done on your maths test!” reflects our approval of their achievements. It’s nice, but it’s really more about us and what we see as valuable.
Acknowledgement, on the other hand, is entirely focused on the child. It’s about recognising who they are and what they’re feeling.
So instead of just highlighting their success, you might say, “You put so much effort you put into your maths test. That shows you really tried hard.”
This kind of feedback connects with their personal experience and shows that you see their STRENGTHs and value their efforts.
The problem with praise is that it doesn’t work in the way we think it does. Acknowledgement helps kids build a positive self-image based on their own sense of worth, not just on our approval.
It supports them in understanding their own value and what matters to them.
Trust me, your child will notice and appreciate this shift. It’s a game-changer for their confidence and motivation.
In Language of Listening® the 3-part coaching model I teach, we swap praise for STRENGTHs
The STRENGTH tool is a key concept in Language of Listening® coaching model. Instead of praise, we use STRENGTHs to focus on the child. STRENGTHs are all about recognising and reflecting back who we see our child truly is.
STRENGTHs help kids develop their inner guidance. When we acknowledge their STRENGTHs, we reinforce their sense of self and help them act in line with who they believe they are.
This approach supports them in understanding their own value and strengths, rather than just seeking external approval.
Let’s look at a few swaps from Praise to STRENGTHsInstead of: ‘Good boy for putting on your coat.” STRENGTH: “You put your coat on all by yourself, that shows you’re so independent.” Instead of: Good girl for stopping when I asked” STRENGTH: “You know how to stop to stay safe, or you remembered the rule to wait before you cross the road.” Instead of: “Good boy, you played nicely with Joey.” STRENGTH: “What a considerate friend, you found a way for you both to have fun.” |
Have you ever thought of praise in this way? Once you become aware of how we typically use praise, you’ll start to hear it everywhere.
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