Sibling bickering driving you crazy? Keep reading to out a stop to it once and for all.
Question:
Hi Camilla, I wonder if you can advise me on how to deal with my bickering sons, aged 6 and 9. The summer holidays means that they are spending more time than ever together.
Although they are often best friends, they have such different characters that clash. Their bickering makes me feel ill and I need to survive 6 more weeks with them at home without resorting to screens all the time to give me some peace. Michelle, parent of 2.
Answer:
I know that feeling when it feels like you just can’t take another moment of the constant whining and bickering… It’s enough to make you jump in your car and drive round the block for some peace and quiet.
Seriously, I did that once just to get away from the incessant squabbling Ok, maybe more than once. I left them at home with hubby. Not really the long-term solution I was looking for though!
You’re not alone, sibling bickering is one of the biggest issues most regularly mentioned by my clients as a real button pusher.
Imagine what life would be like if you didn’t have to play referee sibling bickering?
Well, that’s where the Language of Listening® framework comes in handy. Instead of stopping the bickering in the moment, you become your child’s coach and coach them to manage their own behaviour and gain skills to communicate with their sibling in more constructive ways.
I’ll show you how to do just that:
What can keep the sibling bickering cycle going?
it’s so easy to get caught up in the cycle of sibling bickering. Those constant squabbles can push any parent into a reactive mode.
It’s easy to play referee, who’s right or wrong, maybe even resorting to threats or bribes just to get some peace.
I know have in the past!
But that can backfire.
Punishments and rewards often just lead to more whining and complaining. And here’s the problem, the more impulsive or reactive kid tends to get told off more often, which only amps up the rivalry between siblings.
Click here to read my blog about how we unknowingly make sibling bickering worse
It’s like a never-ending loop, right? React, punish, react again—it’s exhausting!
The fastest way to stop sibling bickering?Behind all that squabbling, there’s usually more than meets the eye. Sibling bickering typical happens for 3 main reasons
Figuring out what’s really going on helps get to the bottom of things and we’re then able to coach our children to gain skills to learn more effective ways to communicate and meet their needs. |
Plus, here’s a bonus: when we take the time to look beyond their behaviour, we often see the situation in a whole new light.
This helps us respond with loving guidance instead of jumping straight to telling them off.
It’s all about coaching them to get what they want in a way that works for everyone.
Because when we coach our child to speak up for what they need and want, they’ve got the tools to handle situations differently.
Bickering usually pops up when they’re lacking skills to do any better in the moment.
It’s like trying to cook a gourmet meal with only basic kitchen skills—you can only whip up dishes as good as your cooking know-how.
Similarly, in life, you can only navigate challenges as effectively as the skills you’ve developed.
So, when sibling bickering has you at your wit’s end, here’s a game-changer:
Instead of diving straight into referee mode, take a breath and try something different:
Pause and SAY WHAT YOU SEE® to both kids.
(Say What You See is the first step in our framework, you can read more about it here.)
This simple act of observation can work wonders.
Here’s why coaching our kids to handle these situations themselves is so crucial: If we’re always swooping in to fix things, they miss out on valuable learning opportunities.
By letting them navigate conflicts with our guidance rather than our intervention, they develop the skills to resolve issues independently.
It can sound like this:
SAY WHAT YOU SEE® : “Sounds like you two need help. There’s one PlayStation and two boys!”SAY WHAT YOU SEE® : “Something’s not working the way you both want. You want your brother to hear you out AND you’re fed up as your brother’s always in your space.”SAY WHAT YOU SEE® :“You don’t like the way your brother’s talking at you. AND you feel like your brother doesn’t listen to your ideas.”When you respond in this way, you immediately connect with your child, recognise their intentions, and bring them back to their true selves. It’s about seeing beyond their immediate behaviour and coaching them to navigate situations in a manner that brings out their strengths. |
Once you’ve used SAY WHAT YOU SEE® and understand their desires and true intentions, you’re in the perfect position to guide them towards finding solutions.
The magic happens when kids feel listened to and know their wants matter to you, they jump right into problem-solving mode.
Their solution for working out their disagreements will surprise you. Often, it’s something you will never have thought of.
For instance, instead of bickering over who gets to use a toy first, they might suggest taking turns based on who woke up earlier that day. Children can be incredibly creative in finding fair solutions that respect everyone involved.
My kids used to constantly bicker over who got to sit in the front seat of the car. I coached them to find a solution, and nearly a decade later, we haven’t had a single argument about seating arrangements in the car!Discover how simple coaching can transform everyday conflicts into lasting harmony with my book. It’s on page 189 in my workbook
The more they practise sorting out their disagreements and working together, the more confident they get in handling their own behaviour.
This is really important because kids learn best when they feel successful; they need to see themselves as capable and problem-solvers.
In the Language of Listening®, we talk a lot about how kids act according to who they believe they are. So, if a child sees themselves as a team player, a problem solver, and someone who knows how to stand up for themselves with the skills to back it up, they’re less likely to be caught up in constant sibling bickering. These are skills they’ll carry with them for life.
Like what you’re reading?
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“Camilla coached us through different methods. Methods which I had never thought about, but gave us incredible results in a very short space of time, methods which we still use now and are so easy to implement on a daily basis. I am no longer the shouty mum I used to be. And my relationship with my kids has changed so much, I often wonder why I hadn’t started this journey sooner.’ Lucy, Mum of 3
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