7 ways to get your kids to share willingly. Teach your child the joy of sharing, not how to avoid punishment.
I have a few clear memories of when my children were young, and I thought it was my mummy duty to demand sharing.
My 3-year old daughter fought with her brother over whose turn it was to play with the train tracks, the bubble making machine, the Elmo costume… and enter the endless kerfuffle of having two kids who just HAD to have the exact same toy, even though neither wanted it a second ago.
Maybe you can relate?
It’s so HARD as a parent to know the best way to teach sharing.
Especially if you find yourself at a playdate or playground, and you have a ‘grabber’ on your hands and all eyes on you. What do you do?!
7 ways to get your child sharing
What I came to realise, and a great place to start, is to ask ourselves WHY? – WHY do I WANT my children to share? We want our children to learn to share because it feels good, it develops crucial social skills, builds empathy, and form positive relationships.
So, the why behind the action of sharing is what we need to be mindful of. Yes, you may get a child to hand over a toy… but is it actually teaching the WHY we want our kids to share in the first place?
So, let’s start here:
Practice what it means to share.
Young children ‘see’ the world very differently to you. They honestly think, “If I give my toy to my sibling, then that means it’s not mine anymore.” No wonder they can put up such a fight. That means their favourite toy isn’t theirs’ anymore.
On the other hand, we understand adult logic, ‘I let someone play with a toy of mine, of course it’s still belongs to me.’
When you understand how your child thinks you can begin to practice turn-taking, so your child begins to understand that just because some else is playing with their toy, it still belongs to them. Turn-taking sets your child’s mind at rest and encourages them to share willingly.
Acknowledge when your child is sharing.
Do you feel like you’re constantly badgering your child to share? You’re not alone—it’s an easy trap to fall into. We want our kids to be kind, generous little humans, so when they snatch a toy or refuse to share, we jump in with reminders, corrections, even lectures.
I used to do it too. My daughter struggled to share, and I found myself constantly breaking up squabbles, confiscating toys, and explaining (for the tenth time) how grabbing wasn’t kind. But no matter how many “how would you feel if…” speeches I gave, nothing really changed.
That is—until I changed my approach.
Instead of focusing on what she was doing wrong, I started to notice and point out what she was doing right: sharing her cookie, letting her brother join in bath time bubbles, making space for him during story-time.
This small shift made a huge difference.
Children learn best when they succeed—not when they’re constantly corrected. And when you name their positive actions, you’re not just reinforcing good behavior—you’re showing them who they are.
By drawing attention to those small moments when they do share, you’re helping them see themselves as children who are kind, generous, and thoughtful—kids who can share.
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Validate the wants of each child.
A child who feels understood and acknowledged doesn’t have to act out to prove to you just how much they want something; they know you know.
Here’s a script of how Success Training could look using the Language of Listening® 3-step coaching model I use and teach.
For more examples and how to’s check out my downloadables for hundreds and hundreds of examples of what to say to transform tricky situation into a positive.
SAY WHAT YOU SEE® (SWYS) to child 1 who tried to grab: “You really want the bear, it feels hard to wait.” You can step in calmly between the children.
Child 1: “Yes!”
SWYS to child 2: “You want to keep it! You like that bear; you want to play with it!”
CAN DO to child 1: “Looks like he hasn’t finished playing with it. You can ask him when he’s finished playing with the bear and then you can have a turn. Must be something you CAN DO while you wait.”
Here, you focus your child’s attention on what she CAN DO and help her find solutions.
Once child 2 finishes playing with the toy and shares it with the waiting child, point out their successes:
STRENGTH to child 1: “You waited! And now you’re playing with the bear.”
STRENGTH to child 2: “You shared the bear.”
Don’t punish for not sharing – that includes giving consequences.
This goes back to why you want your child to share. Punishing and giving consequences teaches our children to be fearful of what might happen if they don’t share. They are focused on themselves and what might happen TO THEM, the exact opposite of where we want their focus -on others.
Dragging your child kicking and screaming to their room or try to teach them a lesson by not sharing with them, is not really modelling empathy and the joys of sharing. It’s also more likely to fuel resentment between siblings, driving even more sibling battles.
Yes, they might hand over a toy because they fear being sent to their room, sitting on the naughty step or missing out on something, but that’s not the act of sharing. We want our children to base their decisions on all the good things that will happen when they share.
In short, you want your child to know the joy of sharing, not how to avoid punishment.
Teach your children to find their own solutions.
Have ‘no share’ toys for each child.
As toddlers, the twin girls I used to look after one day a week loved nothing better than swinging for hours at the playground. When another child wanted a turn, here’s how I avoided the problem of trying to get a toddler out of a swing.
Using my Language of Listening® training I handed the solution over to the girls, and their solution surprised me.
SAY WHAT YOU SEE® (SWYS): “Girls, you’re both swinging, and another girl wants a turn.”
CAN DO: “Three girls and two swings. There must be something you CAN DO!”
And they looked at each other, both asked to be let down and proceeded to push their doll in one of the swings together while the other little girl used the other swing—a solution I would never have thought of.
I wrapped up with a STRENGTH: “You’re problem-solvers. You found a way to use the swing and share with the other little girl.”
Related post:
Have ‘no share’ toys for each child.
How can you set up playtime, so each child feels secure that their most precious toys are not for sharing? How can you arrange your space or playtime to make sure your toddler doesn’t ruin their sibling’s Lego project?
A client of mine was dealing with daily battles between their 10-year-old and 6-year-old. She would storm in and tell off the older boy for “not knowing better.” Things would escalate and end up with the older boy retreating to his room in a huff.
When she changed her approach to the Language of Listening® framework, she started to ‘see’ things from her older son’s view. He was fed up with his younger sibling ruining his space.
Letting your children know that you respect their space for individual play and that you will support them with this allows your child the freedom to share willingly when needed.
Let your child be upset.
Rest in the knowledge that your child is going to be upset sometimes. They are going to cry and fuss and stamp their feet about sharing. AND that is OK. And it’s completely normal.
It’s with your loving guidance while holding your boundaries about sharing that they learn to handle their frustrations and learn the necessary skills to handle their own sibling conflicts.
With small shifts in how you teach your child to share, they will learn the skills they need to control their own behaviour – so you don’t have to.
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