There are few moments that make a parent’s stomach drop quite like end-of-day pickup.
You’re standing by the classroom door, hoping for a quick, happy wave, when the teacher catches your eye and gives you that look—the smile followed by: “We had a bit of a tricky day today. They just weren’t listening during carpet time.”
Cue the immediate wave of parent panic.
You feel embarrassed, anxious, and deeply frustrated. Why won’t they just listen? Is everyone else’s child sitting nicely while mine is running wild?
Are they going to get a reputation for being the “difficult” child?
And then comes the inevitable dread of the walk home, wondering how on earth to address something that happened hours ago when you weren’t even in the room.
Let’s look at what’s really going on for your child. And No, there isn’t anything wrong with your child.
The “Not Listening” Misunderstanding
Many parents hear “They aren’t listening” and immediately worry their child has a behavior problem, a hearing issue, or is intentionally defying authority.
But at 5 years old, a child’s brain is still developing.
Whether a child wiggles constantly, touches their neighbour, interrupts story time, or misses a direction, the end result looks identical to a teacher: the instruction wasn’t followed.
Because the outcome is the same, adults use “not listening” as a catch-all phrase for a whole stack of underlying skills.
When a school tells you your five-year-old “isn’t listening,”is almost never used in its strict dictionary sense. It is used as a shorthand for lack of classroom cooperation.
Listening in a classroom isn’t just a simple action—it is a complex stack of life skills. – What “Listening at School” ACTUALLY Requires
For a five-year-old in a busy, loud classroom with 29 other children, “listening” demands a massive amount of brainpower.
Think about what your child is actually being asked to do every single day:
1. Self-Control (The Ability to Stop)
What it is: Controlling their body and emotions in the moment. It’s the physical and emotional muscle that lets a child pause—resisting the urge to grab a toy, run across the room, or shout out—even when they really want to.
Self-control is the master key to classroom life because it bridges the gap between knowing the rules and actually being able to follow them.
In your child’s mind: “I want to run right now, and I have the power to stop myself.”
Self-control is the master key to classroom life because it bridges the gap between knowing the rules and actually being able to follow them.
2. Emotional Regulation (Managing Big Feelings)
What it is: When a 5-year-old is overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, or anxious, their brain’s listening center goes offline. Emotional regulation is the ability to navigate minor disappointments, handle hearing “no,” and soothe big feelings before they spiral into a meltdown, so their mind stays calm enough to process instructions.
In your child’s mind: “I feel disappointed or upset, and I can handle this big feeling without losing control.”
3. Focus & Attention (Filtering Out the Room)
What it is: Tuning out background noise.. A 5-year-old’s brain is naturally wired to notice everything—footsteps in the hallway, colorful wall art, or a friend shifting nearby. Focus means actively ignoring those constant distractions for 5 to 10 minutes at a time.
In your child’s mind: “The room is full of noise and movement, and I can keep my eyes and ears on the teacher.”
4. Working Memory (Holding Instructions in Mind)
What it is: Hearing spoken words, making sense of them, and following through on them. When a teacher gives a 3-step direction (“Pencil away, coat on, line up at the door”), your child’s brain has to juggle directional words and keep that sequence stored in mental memory until the job is done.
In your child’s mind: “I can remember all three things the teacher asked me to do and follow the instructions.”
5. Group Awareness (Realising “She Means Me Too!”)
What it is: Making the cognitive leap from 1-on-1 instructions at home to group commands at school. At home, instructions are direct (“Sam, put your shoes on”). At school, a child has to realise that when the teacher addresses the whole room (“Everyone grab your coats”), that instruction applies to them personally—not just the child sitting next to them.
In your child’s mind: “When the teacher talks to the whole class, she means ME too!”
6. Boundaries & Social Impact (Seeing Beyond Themselves)
What it is: Respecting personal space, listening to peers, and recognising that their personal choices directly affect the people around them. In a crowded classroom, it means understanding how to hold space for others, waiting for a turn to speak, and learning that poking a friend or wiggling into their space disrupts the group flow.
In your child’s mind: “My body stays in my space, and my actions affect the kids around me.”
If a child hasn’t practiced these foundational emotional and physical muscles at home, expecting them to do so in a high-stimulation classroom is an impossible task.
Related reading: How to get your child to listen to you without yelling
How To Discipline A 4-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Listen
5-Year-Old Not Listening at School? Why Home is the Best Place to Practice
Teachers work hard to support every child, and with 25 to 30 students to manage at once, they simply don’t have the 1:1 time to coach individual skills step-by-step during a busy school day.
That isn’t a failure on the school’s part, nor is it a failure on yours. It simply means home is your child’s best training ground.
By setting up simple ‘practice moments’ during everyday routines, you give your child repeated opportunities to build confidence and see themselves as capable.
When teacher feedback at the school gate feels tough, remember: home is the safe space where we coach the skills they need to manage their own behaviour. – no punishments needed.
How to Set Up Practice Time at Home
You don’t need formal lessons or charts to teach these skills. You can practice them naturally using a simple framework: Say What You See®, CAN DOs, and pointing out their STRENGTHS from the Language of Listening framework.
1. Practicing Self-Control “Stopping Myself”
Self-control is a physical muscle. To build it, turn “stopping” into a playful, low-pressure game rather than a command during a meltdown.
The Practice Moment: Play simple stop-and-start games like Freeze Dance, Red Light / Green Light, or “Statues.”
The LoL Coaching Moment: When they manage to freeze on cue—even for two seconds—call out the strength immediately:
“You really wanted to keep dancing, and you froze the second the music stopped. You stopped yourself! That’s self-control.”
2. Practicing “Doing What I Don’t Want to Do”
At school, your child will constantly be asked to pause their fun to sit on the carpet or wash their hands. Practice this at home in tiny, manageable doses so their brain learns it isn’t the end of the world.
The Practice Moment: Before snack or screen time, ask for one tiny task, like putting Lego bricks in a bin or hanging up their coat.
The LoL Coaching Moment: When they push back (“I don’t want to!”), use Say What You See® followed by a CAN DO:
SWYS: “You really don’t want to stop playing right now! You wish you could go straight to snack.”
CAN DO: “And, these two shoes need to go by the door first. Must be something you CAN DO.”
The Strength: Once it’s done:
“You didn’t feel like doing it, and you did it anyway. You CAN DO hard things!“
3. Practicing Mental Flexibility & Transitions
In the classroom, the bell rings and play ends instantly. At home, you can coach your child through transitions so switching gears becomes second nature.
The Practice Moment: Give a clear heads-up before a transition, frame it as a practice round: “We’re going to practice stopping our game when the timer dings, just like they do at school!”
The LoL Coaching Moment: When the timer dings and they start to grumble, acknowledge the transition gap:
SWYS: “It’s hard to stop when you’re right in the middle of something!”
CAN DO: “Must be something you CAN DO to save your lego for later.” —do you want to put a sign on it so no one touches it, or take a photo of it on my phone?”
The Strength:
“You were right in the middle of playing and you managed to switch gears for dinner. Look how flexible your brain is!”
4. Practicing Hearing “NO” & Handling Disappointment
School is full of small disappointments—someone else gets the red marker, or it’s rainy day play. You can help them build resilience to “no” without taking away their right to feel upset about it.
The Practice Moment: When a genuine “no” happens (e.g., “No biscuit before dinner” or “The blue cup is in the dishwasher”), resist the urge to negotiate, appease, or lecture.
The LoL Coaching Moment:
SWYS: “You really wanted that biscuit! It’s disappointing when the answer is no.”
CAN DO: “And, dinner is next. Must be something you CAN DO while we wait.” —do you want to help me chop the cucumbers or carry the napkins to the table?”
The Strength: When they accept the alternative:
“You were disappointed about the biscuit, and you handled that ‘no’. That shows you can handle disappointment or that shows you’re a problem-solver.“
When they do something hard or finish a chore:
“Putting those toys away wasn’t easy when you were tired, and you did it anyway. You CAN DO hard things!“
When they handle a “no” or a change in plan:
“You wanted the blue cup, and it was in the wash and you took the green one instead. Look how flexible you are!”
5. Practicing Following Multi-Step Directions
Working memory is a mental muscle that helps children hold onto spoken instructions. To build it, practice giving 2- or 3-step directions.
The Practice Moment: During everyday moments (like getting ready to leave or prepping for dinner), give them a clear 2- or 3-step sequence instead of one task at a time. For example: “Put your shoes in the basket, grab your coat, and meet me by the front door.”
The LoL Coaching Moment: When they complete the steps—or manage to pause and recall the sequence on their own—call out their strength immediately:
SWYS: “You put your shoes away, grabbed your coat, and walked straight over here!”
CAN DO: (If they get distracted halfway): “You put your shoes away! And, there are two more things to do before we open the door…”
The Strength: Once completed: “You held all those instructions in your brain while moving around the house. Look how strong your memory is!”
When a child internalises statements like “I can do hard things,” “I can stop myself,” and “I have self-control,”everything changes.
The next time their teacher asks them to sit on the carpet or put away the Lego, their brain taps straight into those proven strengths: “I know how to do this. I’m someone who can handle doing things even when I don’t feel like it.”
Wrap up
The next time you get that chat at the classroom door, don’t panic or feel like you’ve failed. Your child is just showing you a muscle that needs a little extra practice at home.
By setting up practice moments at home, holding boundaries, and pointing out their internal strengths, you give them the confidence and self-control to thrive at school.
