It just makes life so much simpler and takes the pressure off you as a parent.
|Before we get started, let me explain what Language of Listening® is all about. It was founded by Sandy Blackard who cracked the code of how humans work. She took the principles and teachings of Positive psychology, transformational coaching and play therapy and consolidated and simplified them into a 3-part coaching model for you to use.
Language of listening® is the only parenting model that gives you the how-to and the why for creating willing cooperation. Kids that WANT to listen to you and follow your lead. You’ll have more peace, more joy and more ease in your parenting.
It gives you:
1. A rock solid, simple yet powerful 3-step coaching model. After all, who has time for complicated methods?!
The biggest shift many of us have to open up to is that parenting is ALL about guidance and support. It’s moving away from control into guidance.
What’s wrong with control? Well there is so much to say on this topic, but for now… We can easily provoke rebellion and defiance. That’s why we can find ourselves in endless power struggles.
Or we can push our child to submit to our will and cause them to be too dependent on us. Neither is a good option.
Submit or rebel?
Power and control are quick fixes. They’re result-oriented. We just want the behaviour to change, we don’t ask ourselves WHY. Why is my child not doing what I ask? We think to ourselves “HOW DO I GET my child to get ready for bed. What can I DO TO my child to make them do that?”
Coaching is a long-term goal and all about our relationship with our child. We ask, “What does my child need to be able to get ready for bed on their own? How can I support and guide them?”
Can you see the difference? I bet your child will.
When I was struggling with my daughter’s out of control behaviour, I thought there were only two ways to raise a child. Strict or permissive. I didn’t want permissive, so my only option was to control.
This is what I call yo-yo parenting. Because I find (and let me know if this is true for you.) that you’re strict one minute, coming up with rewards and punishments to control your child’s behaviour. Which leads to shouting, power struggles and stress, so you feel guilty… shouting too much and the kids still aren’t listening, so you become permissive. The kids start ruling the roost. You can’t stand it and your patience is waning, so you yo-yo back to strict… blow your top… and so the cycle continues.
And boy how exhausting is that! And it just doesn’t have to be like that.
There is another way.
Language of Listening® the first step is all about connection.
You’re not here to do anything. You’re not here to get anything done. Just to connect and understand from your child’s point of view. This part truly is the missing step in parenting.
This is the step if we skip it and go straight to trying to set boundaries and control our child’s behaviour or even use praise, it falls flat because we are not starting where our child is. Say What You See gets you smack bang in the middle with your child in the physical world of here now.
That’s why this one step seems so simple, you might think why bother? What good would that do?
Say What You See® is the first thing you do every time you have an interaction with your child.
Say What You See® is using neutral observations.
The benefit of this is focusing on the SEEing because by seeing something, something has had to have happened. This is the difference between what you THINK is happening or what you WISH was happening and what ACTUALLY IS happening.
For example, I used to tell my daughter she wasn’t listening. But you can’t SEE ‘not listening.’ That isn’t actually happening. What is happening is what you can physically see.
Instead of saying, “You’re not listening,” I would say, “You’re busy playing.”
CAN YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?
When we say what we THINK our child feels accused, we trigger defensive behaviour and the battles begin.
Using Say What You See®, You move out of your head and your judgments and into the moment with your child, because that is where your children live- in the physical world of here, now. Your children are really physical beings.
The magic of Language of Listening® is that it teaches you HOW to see situations in a new way, and from there it opens you up into HOW to respond. It helps you see things from your child’s point of view. This is where everything starts to change.
|Focus on what IS happening by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE.
Instead of “How many times do I have to tell you to stop messing around and get ready for bed?!” Say What You See “You’re half way dressed, only one more thing left to do till story time.”
Instead of “Will you two just cut it out? you’re always fighting!” Say What You See “You’re fighting over who’s turn it is.”
Instead of “Stop snatching toys, that’s not kind.” Say What You See “You’re grabbing the toy, and Sally is playing with it.”
Over the next few days practice using Say What You See® and see what a difference it makes when you SAY WHAT YOU SEE rather than what you THINK, I bet you’ll see a difference in your child’s reactions.
The next two step is all about GUIDANCE
So, if we see something we don’t like. We offer an alternative within our boundary. What we call a CAN DO. Literally, what your child CAN Do that’s still within your boundary.
And if we see something, we DO LIKE we state a STRENGTH. Think of it as praise in a new way. One that actually works to help our child to see their inner greatness. the child knows who they are and can see that in themselves.
And it’s how our child becomes able to control their own behaviour and actions. (isn’t that SO much easier than trying to control their behaviour!)
So, the way that you use this model is very simple, you always start with one thing. Say What You See®
Let me give you an example of how this would work.
Let’s look at bath time where struggles come up for a lot of families. So, imagine you say to your child it’s bath time. And your Child says no! Say What You See® your child doing saying feeling or thinking
Let’s start with, what your child is doing. “You’re busy playing. You don’t want to come to the bath.”
What will happen when you SWYS, repeating back to the child what they said or what they want? They will give you more information. They might say “I’m not done playing yet. ”We sometimes write these off as excuses, but that doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help your child.
What they are telling you is something that actually matters to them. So, if my child says she’s not done playing yet, I go further into SWYS here. So, I say, “You’re playing, and you’re enjoying what you’re doing. Something is really fun about that. Tell me about that!”
Can you feel the difference? I’m starting to step onto that child’s side right now. And when I do, I get to see what’s right with that.
That IS fun! I can see why you wouldn’t want to stop what you’re doing and go and have a bath, that’s not fun! Then I can pause and offer guidance.
Starting with the all-purpose CAN-DO statement, it can sound like this: “Hmmm, there must be something you CAN DO. I bet you can make bath time fun, you like making things fun.”
And your child’s eyes might brighten up as they step into problem-solving mode. And in a moment like that there might be a need for additional connection. So, you can add, “How about I come with you and you can show me what toys you want to choose for the bath?”
And your child will be happy to go take a bath, because they haven’t had to give up fun to go have a bath.
This is what I mean when I say meeting your child’s needs within your boundary. Bath time gets done, the child’s needs are met. Cooperation results. And it is here that you can stay connected and encourage your child to come up with all sorts of ways to make bath time fun.
Children’s resistance to evening rituals is often about more than just bath time, it’s about giving up time with you.
And if it’s about connection, you haven’t had enough time with your child during the day, moments like these bring that connection to bath time, and can change your whole dynamics.
And what’s so great about this model is that whatever your child comes up with, whatever CAN DO she thought of. you get to name a STRENGTH. She came up with her own solution.
You can say “You found a way to make bath time fun! You can even make bath time fun!”
What a wonderful strength to know about yourself. I can make things fun. I can bring fun to anything.
This coaching model is like a template. Because what you see comes from the child. It is always right for that moment and anyone can do this. You can describe what you see and you’re off and running. Into the child’s world.
I can’t wait to hear how you use Language of Listening® 3-step coaching model and transform difficult situations into positive ones.
Would you like more support using the 3-step coaching model and get your kids to listen the first time?