Skip to content
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Work with me
  • Shop
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Contact
Menu
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Work with me
  • Shop
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Contact

The One Thing Missing From Gentle Parenting

 

I often get parents who reach out to me and let me know that they’ve tried the gentle approach.

They tell me that they remain calm, explain their boundaries, and talk about emotions but yet their child is still not ‘behaving’ or is going wayyyyy past their boundaries, and they are at their wit’s end.

They feel that they are “doing it wrong.”

And although I wholeheartedly believe in the philosophy of gentle parenting, it falls short. You’re made to believe that validation and connection is enough to change a child’s behaviour. And it’s not.

So, what typically happens is the parent listens and listens to the child, stays with discussing the emotions, tries to give reasons and logic to change their child’s point of view and get buy in from their child. They end up losing their patience and dishing out a threat as that’s the only thing that works in the moment.

On the surface, Language of Listening® might seem the same as other parenting models. And yet it is so different.

Yes, we have the Say What You See® step of connection. But your role isn’t to make your child like your boundary or convince them of why you have a boundary in the first place, or to try and get them to see things your way.

The Language of Listening® framework equips you with coaching tools to maintain your emotional connection with your child and STILL be the one in charge.

Using our coaching skills, you’re always on your child side, helping them figure out what they CAN DO within your boundary, or helping them handle their feelings of disappointment with using Say What You See®.

When your boundary is “just how it is,” not something to defend, explain or negotiate, offering a CAN DO helps you gain the willing cooperation you’re after and helps your child gain problem-solving skills and self-control. You build upon your child’s existing skills, get on their side and find alternatives that work for everyone.

Let’s look at an example in action.

Here’s what getting on your child side with our coaching looks like. CAN DOs help you guide your child often with little or no resistance.

My 12-year-old daughter wanted to go to the big town an hour drive away on the weekend. My husband and I agreed that we both just wanted a chilled weekend. We definitely weren’t going.

She started trying to convince us to go. I acknowledged how much she loves going and that’s it her favourite thing to do.

She started whining and fussing. I didn’t get into a debate and defend my decision or talk about her emotions and I side stepped judgment.

 I’m still on her side as I’m not trying to change her mind or tell her she’s wrong for wanting to go.

This is when we often try to give reasons like: “You go all the time; I just took you a few weeks ago.” We mean well, we’re trying to make them feel better and remind them that they do often go. However we are implying that they’re wrong to want to go now, or that they’re greedy somehow.

Or we go into fixing the situation. “I’ll take you next weekend, you’ll get to go I promise, just not today, let’s go and do something else fun…” Again we mean well, but often we end up feeling guilty that our child is upset and we feel an urge to make it better for them.

Or we go into defending our decision. “I’m tired and I don’t want to spend the money and I don’t want to sit in traffic…” They then come back with all the counter reasons, Well I’ll give you a massage, and you can sit in a café, and you don’t have to spend any money, I just want to look at the shops and we can go by train…” and on and on the arguments go.

 

I offered her a CAN DO.

“There must be something you CAN DO to have fun this weekend.”

No needing to convince her or debate or fix things for her. In fact, I’m supporting her to bring out her self-control and problem-solving skills. She found a way to have fun that was still within my boundary. – She went for a walk with a friend.

Later that day we went to the supermarket together.

She huffed in the car. “Humfff we didn’t get to go into town today!”

And I got a chance to point out a STRENGTH. “And you found a way to have fun!”

Clearly, this whole situation could have taken a lot longer to navigate, I’m not going to kid you that it always runs so smoothly, My daughter used to have the most epic tantrums and calming down wasn’t her forte. She had to practice coming up against my boundaries and find CAN Dos that worked for us both. But look at her now! That whole interaction took no more than 10 minutes.

In the Language of Listening® framework we have another amazing tool called Success Training. we built upon success and prove to our child that they CAN calm down, they DO have self-control, they can find ways to meet their needs within our boundaries and we see the best in them. When we teach our children by pointing out their STRENGTHs, we teach them through success not failure.

No more repeating over and over how your child feels and expecting things to change. Language of Listening gives you the coaching tools you need to create true win-wins where you and your child come away feeling good about yourselves.

OTHER POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE

  • 7 reasons threats don’t work and what to do instead.
  • How do I get my kids to listen without yelling, threats or bribes?
  • Kids Driving You Crazy? Read This To Find How One Small Shift Can Make All The Difference.

Want to know an easy parenting strategy that really works?

FREE DOWNLOAD - 'HOW TO GET YOUR KIDS TO LISTEN'

It's so simple, yet works like magic, you'll be left wondering "Why did no-one ever tell me this before?" Imagine...
  • No more shouting out of pure frustration
  • No more bribing or threatening just do get your kids to do as you ask
  • No more power struggles and stress
YES, PLEASE

FREE DOWNLOAD 

 

Hi I’m Camilla!

I support parents to restore harmony to their household and fun to their family life.  

I have a teen and a nearly teen and I know just what it’s like to navigate the trials and tribulations of parenting. 

Dive into the large collection of blog posts for free parenting guidance.

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.”― Dr. Seuss, I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!

About me

It will give you a simple yet powerful way to gain the willing cooperation you’re after. 

Imagine:

  • No more shouting out of pure frustration
  • No more bribing or threatening just to get your kids to do as you ask
  • No more power struggles and stress

Sign up

3 Language of Listening® Printable Phrase Booklets

You just want to know what to say or do…RIGHT NOW!!!

Page by page you’ll find HUNDREDS of examples of EXACTLY what to say to your child in MOMENTS YOU FACE EVERYDAY. SAY WHAT YOU SEE®, STRENGTHs, and CAN DOs.

FIND OUT MORE
LoLSeal_AuthorizedResource_2400
75443059_966274480400465_4977983738785824768_n

Get In Touch

  • 07958 941 802
  • camilla@keepingyourcoolparenting.com

Keeping Your Cool

Parenting

  • Join My Facebook Group
  • Terms and Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • My Account

Designed By MB-sites.com