What Is = my daughter wanting pancakes. what’s NOT = that she’s rude, stubborn or always wants her way, what can’t she just do as she’s told.
This helps us stay in the moment with our child and not focus on what we THINK SHOULD be happening but isn’t.
The simple 3 step coaching approach I teach, Language of Listening®, helps you shift your attention because changing what we ‘see’ changes our perception.
Staying with what IS happening, I was able to remain calm, validate what was going on for my daughter behind her demand, and give her the language to use next time:
“Oh! Sweetie, you really wanted pancakes, mummy’s pancakes are SO yummy. You wish there was time for me to make them, there isn’t time this morning.”
From here, I was able to move on to finding solutions within my boundary by offering my CAN DO statement. “There must be something you can do… “
She carried on moaning and fussing for a short while. “I don’t want toast or cereal!!!” she wailed.
I didn’t engage and she was quick to move on to a solution.
“I know what I can make!” and she hurried off to make this banana concoction she likes. (Don’t ask! It involves bananas that are nuked in the microwave. But it works for her!)
I could then reply. “You found something you wanted for breakfast. You got upset and calmed yourself and made what YOU wanted all by yourself.”
She was SO proud of herself and I could see her standing tall.
And best of all, she now quite frequently makes her own breakfast. Including her own pancakes and scrambled eggs.
Coaching is all about bringing out the best in our children.
Using this 3-part coaching model lets you change an otherwise difficult situation that usually ends in tears and frustration for you AND your child to one that ends in calm and connection while bringing out the best in your child.
I can look back at this situation with the pancakes and see how differently it could have unfolded. – And did so on numerous occasions before I had these tools.
If I had tried to control her behaviour with a telling off, threats or punishments, or if I had tried to teach her the errors of her behaviour by pointing out her ungratefulness or justified how busy I was… It would all have ended in tears.
By using this 3-step coaching approach I was able to end the situation with my daughter by seeing her strengths.
A girl who could make her own breakfast.
A girl who got upset and worked through it.
A girl who felt understood and connected.
So, what’s the difference with this way of interacting with your child?
Instead of controlling behaviour, which we all know is exhausting anyway, we become our child’s coach.
The definition of Coaching is“A process used to transport people from where they are to where they want to be.”
How cool is that! we become our very own child’s life coach.
And don’t you want that for your child?
How much easier is THAT than having to manage their behaviour for them.
We get our child to SEE their own greatness and they act accordingly.